Folks, I have to tell you about a man, a certain Larry Fink. He is the CEO of BlackRock. Yes, you heard that right, BlackRock. They should probably call it "BleakRock", as bleak as they make the economy with their dark, green investments! This Larry, and I call him "Lazy Larry" because I've heard he likes to have long meetings that are probably just lunches that last hours!

Lazy Larry is this guy who thinks he can save the world by putting money into "sustainable" investments. What he doesn't understand is that the only thing he's doing that's sustainable is boredom. He talks and talks, and let me tell you, nobody, but really nobody, talks more than he does. I, Ronald Tramp, the most remarkable president Elmburg has ever seen, I know how to get things done. I build walls, I make deals, the best deals! But Lazy Larry? He builds portfolios. Who needs one of those?

He goes around telling everyone to invest "responsibly". He thinks he can change the economy like he's a magician. The only magic he performs is that he puts people to sleep when he speaks. Snooze hard, believe me! And you know what the funny thing is? He manages all this money, trillions, and probably doesn't even have a piggy bank in his office!

He's so obsessed with climate change. Every time I see him, he talks about it. "Oh, Ronald, we have to save the planet," he says. I tell him, "Larry, the only planet you're saving is the planet Boredom, where you're king." He doesn't even laugh. No sense of humour! Can you believe that?

Larry loves writing letters. Every year he writes this long letter to CEOs. I read one of them and it was like a sleeping pill. I slept better than I have in years. I told him to write me one every month so I could give them to my Secretary of State. Why? Because every time we have problems with other countries, we could just send them Larry's letters. They would fall asleep immediately and we could do whatever we want. Peace through boredom, ladies and gentlemen!

I've heard that he's trying to go into politics. Imagine that: President Larry Fink. I predict his campaign speeches would be like this, "Dear Americans, let's invest in sustainable energy..." And that's the moment everyone falls asleep. His security people would have to carry him off the podium because they would have fallen asleep too!

And here's the kicker: he's raising all this money, right? But I've never heard of a Larry Fink Foundation. Where is it, Larry? I have a foundation. I build things. I have a golden Tramp Tower in the middle of Elmburg, and it's fantastic. But Larry? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Where are the Fink Towers? I'll tell you where they are, they're in fantasy land, along with all his "wonderful" ideas.

You know what I think? I think Lazy Larry likes trees more than people. Yes! I said that. Trees are more important to him. Every time I pick up a pen, he says, "Ronald, that was a tree." And I say, "Well, Larry, now it's a pen. Sign something useful, like a cheque for the Tramp Foundation."

I have to hand it to him though. The man has style. Always dressed in black. I said to him, "Larry, you look like you're going to a funeral." He said, "I'm preparing for the demise of fossil fuels." That made me laugh. That was a good joke. But seriously, this guy could use a little colour.

Larry Fink is the man who bores the world with his ideas of "sustainability" and "green investment". But have no fear, as long as I, Ronald Tramp, am your president, I will make sure our great country never sleeps. I will keep our economy going, with or without Lazy Larry's help. We will be great, we will be successful, and that, my friends, is the Tramp Promise!