Guys, I've heard what happened with this moon mission and I can tell you, I'm impressed. Impressed at how you can be so spectacularly wrong! I'm Ronald Tramp, the greatest president Elmburg has ever seen - maybe even better than any other president anywhere. And I know a thing or two about success. And that, my friends, was not success.

So, this company, Intuitive Machines, has been trying to go to the moon. And what do they do? They flip their lander. "Ulysses" they call it. After a guy who took years to find his way home. I should have realised right away that this would go wrong. They could just as easily have called him "Icarus", then we'd all know he was going to crash.

The CEO, Steve Altemus, says they "misinterpreted" the data. At Elmburg, we don't misinterpret data. We just ignore it until it fits. And if that doesn't work, we make up our own data. It's called "alternative facts", folks. Much more reliable.

You say the lander still gets solar power. Great. That's like being happy that the Titanic orchestra played to the end. Nice, but not really helpful when you're sinking.

And then NASA, which has spent a lot of money on this mission. 118 million dollars, to be precise. I've built golf courses that respect gravity and stand upright for less money. That's the beauty of golf courses - they don't tip over.

You talk about the moon as a kind of rest stop on the way to Mars. I say to you, if you can't even land properly on the moon, how are you going to conquer Mars? What's the plan? "We may have landed on our side, but at least we didn't explode this time"? Great strategy, really.

And all this happens in a crater called Malapert. That sounds like the nickname of a haughty high school student who thinks he knows everything better. Apparently they didn't know any better after all.

What do I learn from this? If you want to do something right, do it yourself. Or even better, let me do it. I would have sent a lander to the moon that was so shiny and upright that it could be seen from Earth with the naked eye. Not only would it have landed, it would have opened a Tramp Tower Moon before it even comes to a stop.

Finally, my friends, let's not forget one thing: In space travel, as in life, it is not the case that you always win. But if you are going to fail, please do it with a little more style and elegance. Or at least in such a way that it doesn't look like you were looking for a parking space on the moon and forgot the handbrake.

Until then, dear people, remember: the only place where it is acceptable to lie on your side is a beach in Elmburg. Nowhere else.