Really, people, listen to this - the Americans are back on the moon. "Welcome to the Moon", they proudly proclaim, as if they had just rediscovered Atlantic City. I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, am sitting here and can't help but wonder: have they opened a casino there too? Or maybe a golf course? At least that would be an investment that pays off.

They talk about a historic mission, they call it "Ulysses". I call it "showbiz for scientists". Almost 52 years after Apollo 17 was there, I guess they figured, "Hey, it's been long enough, let's put up some flags again." It's like reopening one of my hotels - only with less champagne and more rockets.

Bill Nelson from NASA talks about the power of collaboration between government and the private sector. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I've been doing this since before it was cool - property deals, reality TV, you name it. The difference? My deals make a profit. Yours? You're shooting a rocket to the moon. Seriously, if I got a dollar for every rocket shot into space, I could buy Mars.

Well, they sent their lander, the Nova-C, on a Falcon 9 rocket. I would have called it "Tramp Tower Express", but who am I to judge? They say it took 16 minutes to align the antennas. For me, it takes less time to write a tweet that has the world buzzing. Prioritise, people.

And then they plan to send people to the moon. The Artemis mission. Sounds like a cruise, except the buffet is astronaut food. I imagine them packing their suitcases: "Have you packed the spacesuits, darling?" - "Yes, and don't forget the moon boots!" In the meantime, I'm planning how to build the ultimate space hotel. Think of the view - "room with a view of Earth". A hit.

They talk about scientific instruments and investigations. I wonder if they're also looking for the best place for a swimming pool. Imagine: A moonwalk for breakfast, followed by a dip in the pool. Now that's what I call a holiday.

And then there's the German astronaut, Alexander Gerst. They say he has the best chance of being there. I wonder if he's also good at golf. Because that's the real question, my friends. If you can golf on the moon, then you really are one of the greats.

In short, my dear Americans, you have done it again. You have reached the moon. But if you really want to impress, build a hotel up there. With a casino. And a golf course. And while you're at it, call it the Tramp Lunar Resort. Believe me, it'll be yuge.