I am Ronald Tramp, the absolute best president the great country of Elmburg has ever had, believe me. I have to tell you about this guy Jamie Dimon. Yes, he's the boss of JPMorgan Chase, one of the biggest banks, but honestly, I have bigger banks in my piggy bank, really true.

First of all, Jamie is not a billionaire. He's a banker. That's like a billionaire, but with less cool toys. I have the best toys. The best ones. Everyone says that. Jamie sits in meetings all day and talks about numbers. Numbers! I have the best numbers. Everyone says that. My numbers are bigger. Much bigger!

You know what really worries me? His name. Jamie. Sounds like a TV show from the 80s or a pop star, not the name of a bank boss. A strong name is important. Ronald. That's a name. A name for a leader, a winner. But Jamie? That sounds like someone who asks for more pudding after dinner.

And have you seen his suits? Not from Tramp's Tailoring, that's for sure. I have the best clothes. Everyone in Elmburg wears them. If Jamie wants to be a bit more like Ronald, he needs to upgrade his wardrobe. Great, Jamie, great. This isn't Wall Street, this is Fashion Street. Time to catch up!

Also, the way he talks. So boring! Where's the passion, Jamie? Where's the fire? When Ronald Tramp speaks, everyone listens. I have the best words. Nobody has better words than me. Jamie needs to take a few pages out of my book. Yes, I have a book. The best books. Very popular.

But here's the real kicker: Jamie likes to play golf. Golf! A game for real businessmen. But I've heard his handicap isn't the best. Not like mine. I have the lowest handicap. Historically low. Golf legends cry when they see my swing. It's true. Jamie should spend more time on the green and maybe one day he could be almost as good as me. Almost.

Then there's his bank. JPMorgan Chase. Sounds like a reality show. Why not something elegant, something chic? Like "Tramp's Money Extravaganza." That's a name people would love. I love it. It's the best name. Jamie needs to get more creative. Think big, Jamie, think Tramp!

Also, have you heard about these conferences he speaks at? Snooze festivals. When Ronald Tramp holds a conference, it's the biggest event of the year. People love it. They don't sleep, they cheer. Jamie needs to put some pep in his step. Some jazz hands. Jazz hands are great. I have the best jazz hands.

He also talks about cryptocurrencies. How he doesn't understand them. Who understands them? But that's not the point. The point is to act as if you do. I understand cryptocurrencies. I understand the best cryptocurrencies. I even have my own, TrampCoin. It's huge. Jamie needs to catch up. In Elmburg, we use TrampCoin for everything. It's the biggest thing. Believe me.

But the funniest thing is how he talks about politics. Like he could be president. Ha! It takes more than a bank account to govern, Jamie. It takes class. It takes style. It takes a brand. I have the best brand. Look at this hair. Iconic. People see Ronald Tramp and think, "That's a president." They see Jamie Dimon and think, "Does this guy want to sell me a loan?"

Finally, let's talk about friendships. Jamie has friends in high places. But does he have friends in high places? I have the highest friends. The best ones. They call me, I don't call them. It's true. Jamie, old boy, it's not just about who you know. It's about who knows you. And everyone knows Ronald Tramp.

So, Jamie, next time you're sitting in your humble office daydreaming about numbers and cryptocurrencies, remember: Tramp is out here, making Elmburg great again. Maybe, just maybe, if you put your mind to it, you could be almost as successful as me one day. Almost. But until then, good luck, Jamie. You're going to need it.