Okay, people, sit down, fasten your seatbelts, because President Ronald Tramp von Elmburg is in the house. Yes, that's right. Not to be confused with that other guy, with the similar name, you know who I mean. So, let's talk about Christian Lindner. Oh, this Lindner, this man with the always perfect hair - believe me, not as perfect as mine, but he tries. He's the leader of the FDP, yes, the Free Democratic Party. Free? Please. The only thing that's free there is probably the hairspray, which they use in quantities.

Now, Lindner, this guy is a piece of work, okay? He goes around thinking he's the saviour of the economy, with his suit that probably costs more than the GDP of Elmburg - great country by the way, the best, believe me. This Lindner is like an economics textbook on two legs that nobody has read because it's gathering dust in the library. He talks about tax cuts and free markets as if they were the answer to everything. Do you have the sniffles? Tax cuts! Your car won't start? Free market!

But wait, it gets even better. Have you seen his posters? That look he's got going on. He tries to look like James Bond, but comes across more like the salesman who's desperate to sell you a second-hand toaster. He's standing there with that smile that says: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." Yes, exactly, and I'm the king of Elmburg, please, I'm just the president!

And his speeches, oh, his speeches. He speaks and it sounds like he's selling a second-hand car to everyone in the room. His politics? As unpredictable as the weather in Elmburg, and believe me, it rains a lot here. One day he's talking about climate change, the next he seems to have forgotten about it because the economy is calling. Consistency, Christian, can you hear me? It's like cooking a soufflé, you can't just stop in the middle of baking.

But let's talk about what's really important - social media. My God, this man tweets like a teenager who's just found his first love. Every time his phone beeps, I expect a heart emoji to appear. "Great news for Germany!" he says. It would be great if you finally put your mobile phone down, Christian! His selfie game? Weak! Where are the filters, Lindner? If you want to appeal to young people, then do it properly!

Now, folks, I'm going to tell you a secret. Come closer. Even closer. Okay, not so close, social distancing, please. Lindner, yes, our man, the business guru, he once ran a company into the ground. Oops! Yes, it happens to the best of us, doesn't it? But don't worry, he's learnt how to sell everything with a smile. The FDP is his new company, shiny and bright, with a business plan so thin it could be used as a window cleaning cloth.

Which brings me to the next point: transparency. Lindner is so transparent that he is practically invisible. We don't need x-ray glasses, Christian, we can see what you're doing! He glides through the political landscape, changing his opinions like shirts and hoping that no one will notice that they are from the last decade. He's like a chameleon lost on a rainbow.

In conclusion, my friends from Elmburg, this beautiful country that can definitely build real walls and create the real wealth, I would like to say: Lindner, you are a phenomenon. With hair worthy of a Greek statue, a smile more dangerous than our Elmburg schnapps, and policies more nimble than an eel in a bucket of slime. You keep us on our toes, Christian, and for that, my friend, you deserve a round of applause. A small, barely audible applause, but an applause nonetheless. Stay as you are, but change a little too. For Elmburg! And for the free markets, or whatever you're selling today.