Okay, okay, hold on to your horses, people! You've got the great Ronald Tramp here, the shining star of Elmburg who puts the sun to shame with his brilliance. Now fasten your seatbelts, because I am going to tell you about a man who is trying to grab a bit of my glory. Narendra Modi - yes, the guy who believes that you win elections by acting like a rock star and filling entire stadiums. I mean, who needs the Beatles when you have Modi, right?

Firstly, this guy has introduced a yoga day. Seriously? The whole nation is acting like it's in a century-old stretching marathon, and I'm just standing there thinking, "Should I start my own 'burger and TV marathon day'?" That would be YUGE. We could eat burgers while watching cartoons. That's true enlightenment, my friends.

And then that 'Make in India' thing. He was trying to recruit lions or something with that logo. I tell you, in Elmburg, we don't need lions. We have eagles. Huge, massive, golden eagles. They fly around and throw bundles of money at people. Why? Because we CAN do it.

His style - oh, please. People talk about his suits like the latest fashion collection. If he really wants to get ahead, he needs a "tramp suit". It's like a normal suit, but with gold stripes that are so bright they could blind you. And the ties! So long you could use them as a lifeline if you ever hang off a cliff.

Now, the economy. He talks about rupees like I talk about Elmburg dollars - as if we have a magic printing press in the basement. Maybe he has one, who knows? Maybe it's one with all these bright lights and Holi colours. Here in Elmburg, printing money is an art. It's so secret that even I don't know how it's done. That's how you know it's safe!

Modi's travelling! The man is everywhere except India! He collects countries like I collect golf balls - with passion and a lot of swag. But here's a trick, Modi: If you're flying, make sure your plane has a message, like my Air Force One. You need something with more bling. A bit of glitz and glamour. Why? Because you can!

He also meets all the great leaders. But I bet he didn't give them nicknames. I give them all nicknames. Fantastic nicknames. The best nicknames. That's what true leaders do. They reduce complex international relationships to a memorable play on words. That's how you're remembered.

To summarise, Modi is a guy who is trying to shake up world politics, but I tell you, he needs some tips from the great Ronald Tramp. A little more glitz, a little less Twitter. A little more hamburger, a little less yoga. And most of all, a few golden eagles throwing money at his citizens. Modi, call me, I will show you how to run a country with style and a dash of absurd humour. It will be fantastic, believe me!