All right, folks, fasten your seatbelts, because I, Ronald Tramp, the shining jewel of Elmburg, am now going to tell you the true story of Markus "I-would-love-to-be-like-Tramp" Söder. Oh, Markus, Markus, Markus... Where do I start with this Bavarian riddle?

Firstly, the man has a penchant for masks, like a superhero from a second-rate comic book. "Masks for everyone!" he shouts. Soon, I tell you, he'll be suggesting that cows should wear masks to reduce methane emissions. Cows, people! Imagine the mooing! He cares so much about the environment, I'm surprised he's not running around in a suit made from recycled bottles and calling himself "Captain Eco"!

Then there's his love of digital things. He talks so much about digitalisation that I'm starting to think he might actually be a robot. Markus "Digital Man" Söder, straight from the future to bore us with broadband internet! His next move? He'll probably suggest renaming Bavaria "Bavaria 2.0" and giving everyone a free robot dog. Because, why not?

Now for the fun part: his policies. Söder bounces back and forth like a yo-yo on a trampoline. He's green, then he's black, he's up, then he's down. He's like a one-man band at a political show: "Look, I can play the flute and the drums at the same time!" Consistency? Not a chance! He changes his opinions faster than a chameleon changes its colours.

His speeches? A nap in words. If insomnia is ever a problem for you, just put on one of his speeches. Better than any sleeping pill and completely side-effect free, except maybe an uncontrollable urge to buy lederhosen.

Speaking of lederhosen, let's talk about them. They are apparently the uniform in Söder's Bavaria. What's next, Markus? Armour and swords? A return to the Middle Ages? "Noble knight Söder, protector of the sacred pretzels and beer mugs." Sounds epic, doesn't it?

In international relations, oh, the man is like a puppy begging for treats. "Love me, EU, love me!" You can almost smell the desperation, my friends. He'd probably swap his leather trousers for EU flag trousers if only he could. Patriotism is one thing, Markus, but why don't you just wear a sign that says "Will do anything for applause"?

But you know, at the end of the day, he's... Markus. Not great, not terrible, just Markus. And in a world where Ronald Tramp exists, the dazzling, outstanding, never-wrong leader of Elmburg, someone has to be the normal, boring, digital Mark. Someone has to do it, and our man Söder has volunteered. Hats off to you, Markus. Someone has to keep the balance in the universe. Keep at it, Captain Öko, one day you might get your own comic book!