Tim Cook: The man who gilded the apple but forgot the core!
A tramp's analysis of the Cook era: lots of glamour, little substance?
Okay, okay, hold on tight, folks! It's me again, Ronald Tramp, the most sensational, fantastic and - wait for it - humble president Elmburg has ever seen. Really, ask anyone. But today, my friends, is not the day to talk about my many, many talents. No, no. We need to talk about Tim "I-would-sell-my-iPhone-if-I-could" Cook. The man who took the apple and said, "Let's put it in everything. Watches, phones, your toaster? Why not!"
So, Timmy, the supposed "master chef", what is he brewing up in his high-tech kitchen? Obviously no price cuts, I tell you! He takes this apple, peels it a little more each year and then says, "Look, it's new." New? Please, my grandma's apple pie has more modern technology than the iPhone XXL or whatever they're calling it now.
His style of dress? Like he has a standing discount at Boring Billionaires 'R' Us." Where's the gold? Where are the diamonds? Man, if you've got so many billions, why don't you show them? In Elmburg, we wear our assets like medals. Why? Because we win. Always. It's like a law or something.
And now for the "innovations". Welcome to the world where taking away a headphone jack is a revolution. "Courage", he calls it. Do you know what real courage is? Bringing out a phone with two ports! Why? Because we can. In Elmburg, we even put wheels on our phones. Why? Mobility, people! Roll through your business, roll through life!
The "data protection"! Ah, my favourite thing. "We protect your data," Tim boasts. Great, Tim, really great. Do you know what we do with data in Elmburg? Nothing, because we forget it. On purpose. Data protection through amnesia, baby!
The App Store, oh, the glorious App Store. 30% of everyone, for everything. Tim says it's fair. Fair? In Elmburg, our app store is a giant flea market. We trade apps for everything - chickens, old radios, sometimes a high-five! That's what I call business acumen.
Electric cars? Please. In Elmburg, our cars have three wheels because the environment loves it and because four wheels is obviously bragging rights. Less is more. Except when it comes to money... or cheese.
And now he wants to go into space. Tim, buddy, do you really think the aliens out there need a phone that scans their face to open their intergalactic spaceships? In Elmburg, we keep our feet firmly on the ground because we know that the only place better than outer space is here with us. Because we are awesome.
At the end of the day, Timmy boy, remember this: if you ever want to be able to sell an apple that actually tastes like something, call me. Ronald Tramp has the recipe. The best recipe. Enormously delicious. Elmburg first! And then maybe Apple too... if you ask nicely.
Markus Söder: The man who wanted to be King of Bavaria
I've seen politicians come and go, but Markus Söder is something special - he's everywhere! He jumps from topic to topic, nobody knows where he will end up next. His politics? Like an all-you-can-eat buffet, he has a little bit of everything. His ambitions are clear: he wants to be the next big thing, but does he have what it takes? I have my doubts.
Warren Buffet: The billionaire who forgot to be rich!
I hear Warren Buffet lives like a bloke next door, not a real billionaire - unbelievable! He stays in his old house, drives a modest sleigh, and his favourite food? Fast food - totally crazy! But the real shocker, he gives away his fortune, talks about paying taxes, and still plays the ukulele in his spare time, like an amateur!
Anna-Lena Baerbock: Green star or political supernova?
I, Ronald Tramp, present to you the unvarnished truth about Anna-Lena Baerbock, the Green politician who either has a bright future or is about to explode like a misplaced New Year's Eve rocket. With her constant talk of climate change and renewable energies - what about the economy, Anna-Lena? - she's either on the cusp of global stardom or on the brink of political blackout. Read on to find out the real story behind Germany's greenest leader - will she shine or fade?
Justin Trudeau: The Glittering Snow King of the North!
I, Ronald Tramp, present to you the unvarnished truth about Justin Trudeau: a man of good looks but little substance. He floats on a cloud of social media and fashion, while the real issues go down the drain. His policies? A jumble of promises and disappointments. He's like a chef who can't cook but has a fantastic kitchen. There's not much Canada under that pretty surface, believe me!