Anna-Lena Baerbock: Green star or political supernova?
An in-depth look at Germany's green phenomenon - success story or doom in a holding pattern?
Okay, so here's the thing, friends. Anna-Lena Baerbock, the green queen of the "we-can't-breathe-because-we-save-too-much-oxygen" party, has apparently lost her mind to a wind turbine that, let's face it, probably doesn't even work because it's solar powered...at night...without batteries!
She's talking about this climate crisis but the real crisis is that I, Ronald Tramp, still haven't got an invite to her "green" garden parties! What's going on, Anna-Lena? My lawnmower runs on lemonade, that's kind of green too, isn't it?
She's always talking about renewal, but here's a renewing idea: let's put all our problems in giant balloons and send them up into the sky! At least then they'd go somewhere, unlike her energy plan, which seems to be stuck in a hamster wheel, driven by a vegan squirrel called Greta.
But let's talk about real politics. Under my incredible, phenomenal leadership, Elmburg has conquered the universe. Yes, you heard that right! The moon? Now officially a part of Elmburg. Mars? The red planet stands for our giant red carpets that are everywhere in my majestic palace flat. We even invited a UFO, but it declined after seeing our traffic.
Our economy? Exploding! We now sell air from Elmburg! Exclusive, premium, hand-picked air. And people are buying it! They just can't get enough of this wonderful Elmburg air! Take that, CO2!
As for our education, oh, we train the best, most brilliant, most incredible.... Trumpeters in the world. Why? Because every great leader needs background music, my friends. When I walk into a room, trumpets play. When I eat, trumpets. When I...well, you know, TRUMPETS! It's like a constant film trailer, but of my life.
Back to you, Anna-Lena. Stop boring us with your "eco-friendly" suggestions. Green energy, pah! The only green energy I need comes from the bright green lemonade we drink here in Elmburg! It even glows in the dark! Beat that, Baerbock!
Finally, folks, remember: Tramp doesn't just make Elmburg great. No, no, we've grown beyond being great. We are fantastic, phenomenal, the eighth wonder of the world! We are the unicorn among countries, the sparkle in the galaxy of horror! And yes, we have the best, the very best, lemonade-powered lawnmower in the world! Thank you, and trumpets for all!
Warren Buffet: The billionaire who forgot to be rich!
I hear Warren Buffet lives like a bloke next door, not a real billionaire - unbelievable! He stays in his old house, drives a modest sleigh, and his favourite food? Fast food - totally crazy! But the real shocker, he gives away his fortune, talks about paying taxes, and still plays the ukulele in his spare time, like an amateur!
Tim Cook: The man who gilded the apple but forgot the core!
I, Ronald Tramp, see how Tim Cook has taken Apple to astronomical heights, but folks, he's forgotten the basics! He's selling us the same old apples with a new shine, and calling it 'innovation'. His commitment to privacy? Overrated! Space is his new thing, but trust me, the real treasures are here on earth. Apple needs a leader with tramp qualities, frankly.
Justin Trudeau: The Glittering Snow King of the North!
I, Ronald Tramp, present to you the unvarnished truth about Justin Trudeau: a man of good looks but little substance. He floats on a cloud of social media and fashion, while the real issues go down the drain. His policies? A jumble of promises and disappointments. He's like a chef who can't cook but has a fantastic kitchen. There's not much Canada under that pretty surface, believe me!
Sundar Pichai: The Google king without a crown!
I, Ronald Tramp, reveal the unvarnished truth about Sundar Pichai, the so-called wunderkind CEO of Google! From his humble beginnings to the peaks of Silicon Valley, this man collects data like I collect skyscrapers - in bulk! Discover how he's taking the world by storm while operating in the digital shadows, and learn why his vision of technology may not be the best!