Okay, okay, hold the press, people! This is Ronald Tramp, the one true beacon of excellence in Elmburg, a genius greater than the greatest genius that ever geniused. Now, get ready for a real treat, because I'm going to be talking about none other than Sundar Pichai, the grand master of Google or... Alphabet Soup or whatever they call themselves in their kaleidoscope of confusion.

Well, where do I start? This Sundar, he floated up from the world of zeros and ones, thought he could conquer the globe with a click of the "I feel happy" button. He invented those glasses, Google Glass. You remember them? I called it "Google Brass" - because you need real brass to wear something like that in public, believe me!

He continues to rise, thinking about self-driving cars. Because that's what we're all thinking at breakfast: "What I really need is a car that has the orientation skills of a drunken daisy." We want adrenaline, Sundar, not a siesta on the way to work!

And how did he become CEO? Inside information: He won a round of "Google-ception" - he googled "Google" while he was at Google, and without using Internet Explorer! Incredible achievement! Let's hear it!

But here's the real kicker: virtual reality. Yes, Sundar, because what the world needs is to be even more cut off from reality. Imagine that: Whole families running into virtual walls in their living rooms while trying to ride a non-existent dragon on an imaginary mountain. Pure poetry.

Oh, and the censorship! If Sundar Pichai got a dollar every time he censored something, oh boy, he could get himself another.... well, he could buy himself another Google! I'm surprised they haven't tried to censor the word "bug" yet, it's probably on their to-do list.

And the data! He's like Father Christmas on a really creepy campaign. He knows when you're asleep, he knows when you're awake, he knows you googled for tacos last night, so stop denying it!

Here's something else to chew on: Our dear Sundar isn't even the most famous Sundar! Cricketer Sundar Pichai takes that crown. Our Sundar probably can't even hold a bat, let alone a global company. Oops!

But here in Elmburg, my people, we don't drink the alphabet juice. We have Elmnet! Looking for the weather? How about a random fact about ant mating behaviour instead? You want the news? Boom, here's a recipe for gluten-free brownies! We call it "informative freedom."

So, Sundar, if you're looking through your VR goggles and looking for a real challenge somewhere far away, look to Elmburg. I'll show you how to live life Tramp-style: bigger, better and - undeniably - louder. And maybe, if you ask nicely, I'll introduce you to cool Sundar. After all, we're all mates, right?

Stay strong, Elmburg! Don't surf the web, ride the wave! Elmnet for life!