Folks, I have to tell you something, and it's huge. Bigger than anything you've ever seen. I, Ronald Tramp, the greatest president Elmburg has ever had - maybe even the greatest president ever - I stand here to tell you about a spectacle so entertaining you'll cancel your Netflix subscriptions. Germany and its debt brake. A drama so exciting you'll want to grab some popcorn.

The Greens in Germany - oh, those Greens, as green as the money they want to spend - they have an idea. They say, "Let's relax the debt brake." I tell you, that's like hiring a dietician and then telling him, "Oh, forget the diet, let's eat cake." The Greens, ladies and gentlemen, they want to eat cake. And not just a small piece. No, they want the whole bakery.

Now they want the head of the CDU, Friedrich Merz, to eat cake with them. "Come on, Friedrich, don't be a spoilsport. A bit of debt here, a bit of debt there - who's going to panic?" I can imagine them shaking hands with him, holding a huge, invisible cheque in their other hand, made out to "Future of Germany", signed "Trust me, I'm a Green".

The FDP, oh the FDP, they are the party poopers of German politics. They say, "No, no, no, no debt." They're like the guy at the party who always reminds you that you have to work the next day. But the Greens, they want to party like there's no tomorrow. "Let's break the debt brake and let the money flow like champagne!" And I think to myself: In Elmburg, the champagne flows without us incurring debt. We just drink water - much healthier.

But wait, it gets even better. The Greens also want to extend the rent freeze. "Housing should be affordable," they say. And I say: "Why don't you just stop at 'living should be affordable' and give everyone a million? Problem solved." They want climate money, fast internet, functioning mobile phone networks. They don't want schools to leak. I wonder why they don't just demand that unicorns walk the streets.

And then this minimum wage - over 14 euros! "Everyone should be rich", say the Greens. And the FDP? The FDP says it's madness. I say: "Why not just 100 euros an hour? Then everyone can have their own bank." In Elmburg, we pay people in gratitude. Believe me, the currency is stable.

Finally, the Greens want Germany to "just work". Just works? As if the country were an old clock that just needs to be wound up. "Let's release the debt brake and everything will work like magic." I'm telling you, everything works in Elmburg because I'm here. We don't need magic, we have tramp magic.

So, Germany, listen to Ronald Tramp. Forget the Germany Investment Fund, forget the debt. Come to Elmburg. We have no debts, no problems, only solutions. And don't forget: if life gives you debt, make trampomonade out of it. Believe me, I know how to win. Always.