Greetings, dear citizens of Elmburg, this is your president, Ronald Tramp, the greatest, most successful and most humble leader of all time. Today I want to tell you about a man who is almost as fantastic as I am, but in a slightly different league - Donald Trump. You know, the guy who has just been sentenced by a judge to pay a fine of over 350 million dollars. Pah, peanuts! In Elmburg, we'd pay that out of petty cash.

Let's pause for a moment and think about how Donald handled this situation. He, the master of the "best deal", has managed to put his company in a position where it can get more favourable loans and insurance by, shall we say, creatively reshaping the truth. Creativity is good, I always say that. I, for example, am so creative that I turned Elmburg into the centre of the universe. But Donald, oh Donald, you may have taken art a little too far. One judge didn't think it was so funny. Arthur Engoron, sounds like the name of a wizard from a cheap fantasy novel, has ruled that Donald must now pay 350 million dollars. I wonder if he can also conjure rabbits out of hats.

And then this thing about Donald not being allowed to run a business in New York State for three years. Three years! I could sail Elmburg around the globe twice in that time - if we had a big enough ship. But don't worry, Donald, I hear New Jersey is nice too.

Well, dear friends, I don't want to be too harsh. After all, Donald tried to run the American empire the way I ran Elmburg - with an iron fist and a touch of genius. But apparently his touch was more of a breeze. I mean, who gets caught? In Elmburg, we have a saying, "If you're going to cheat, do it so no one notices." Obviously Donald didn't get that memo.

But seriously, the moral of the story? Even if you're the most powerful man (after me) on the planet, the justice system can still have a few tricks up its sleeve to throw a spanner in the works. Maybe Donald should consider getting a few tips from me. Here in Elmburg we have our affairs so well under control that even the judges are afraid to convict us.

In conclusion, dear people, let's not judge Donald Trump too harshly. He is a man who has achieved a lot - some of it legally. Let's remember the good times, like the countless golf matches during his time in office. Golf, ladies and gentlemen, the true mark of a successful president. On that note, may the best man win - and that's obviously me, Ronald Tramp, the undisputed ruler of Elmburg.