Oh, where do I start? As Ronald Tramp, the glorious President of Elmburg, I feel compelled to talk about my almost namesake, Donald Trump. Almost like twins, except one of us actually knows how to run a country without turning it into a reality TV show. Spoiler alert: that's me.

Donald, Donald, Donald. The man who believes the best way to run a country is to treat it like his own personal game of Monopoly. He throws insults around like Monopoly money and thinks that diplomatic relations are something that can be blocked or unfriended depending on his mood. And don't get us started on his love of the wall. I'm thinking of building one just to keep his ideas out.

Then there's the CPAC thing. Donald says he's supposed to be somewhere else. Oh really? I thought that was exactly his living space - a stage where he can look in the mirror and tell himself how great he is. It's almost as if he's forgotten that there's a country to run. But who needs a country when you have a fan base?

And his rhetoric! A true poet of the apocalypse. He talks about migrants and gangs as if he were writing the script for "Mad Max: Borderlands". I'm just waiting for him to suggest securing the border with flamethrowers and alligator trenches. Wouldn't that be a sight to behold? Donald standing on the shore giving the order to feed the alligators. Oscar-worthy.

But that's not all. He sees himself as a "political dissident". I laughed. I mean, this is the guy who used Twitter as his personal complaint book. If that's dissidence, then I'm the King of Elmburg. Oh wait, that's me.

Donald's promises are also hilarious. Close the border, extract fossil fuels, deport 18 million people. It sounds like he's written a wish list to Father Christmas. "Dear Santa, this year I want you to ignore the laws of logic and humanity. PS: I was a very, very good boy."

And then his iconic line, "Joe, you're fired!" I can't help but every time I hear that, I expect cameras to pop out of the bushes and Joe Biden to say, "That was a good joke, Donald, but now back to work." But of course that never happens. Because this is real life, not The Apprentice.

In conclusion, what can I say? Donald Trump is like a soap opera - you know you have better things to do than watch, but you just can't look away. But don't worry, Donald, we've learnt a lot here in Elmburg. Especially how important it is to have a good hairdresser. Seriously, who does your hair?

In Elmburg, we do things a little differently. We build bridges, not walls. And our only limit is the horizon. So, Donald, maybe it's time for a visit. We even have a golf course. But I'm warning you, we actually keep score here.