Oh, please, hold my Diet Coke while I shake up the political scene in Germany, in the style of the incomparable, the one and only Ronald Tramp. It's time for me, the master of the deal, the sultan of satire, to shed some light on the confusing darkness of German politics.

Let's start with this wonderful piece of theatre that the FDP and the CDU are putting on. The FDP, with its gigantic four per cent in the polls - a percentage so small that it becomes almost as invisible as my tax returns. They are peering across the political corridor at the big boys in the CDU, hoping for a small alliance. Friedrich Merz, the guy with the look on his face like he's just bitten into a lemon, is playing the diva: "First you have to show what you can do, kids," he says. Oh, Friedrich, you tough negotiator, you! Almost as tough as I am at a game of golf on my own course.

Then we have the SPD trying so desperately to keep the FDP on board that you could almost feel sorry for them. Almost. Kevin Kühnert, the man with more optimism than my hairdresser, appeals to the FDP to be constructive. Kevin, my friend, in politics, "constructive" is just another word for "boring". Where's the fun, the thrill, the 3am tweets?

But wait, it gets even better. Merz says the CDU/CSU will go into the election campaign without a coalition statement. A brilliant move! It's like me saying I'm going into the election campaign without Twitter. But we all know that I can't live without Twitter - it's like my oxygen, my life essence.

The FDP are dreaming of a bourgeois coalition, as if they don't realise that their four per cent is about as impressive as my golf handicap. But dreams are important, people. I've dreamed too - of walls, of great re-elections, of even bigger hairpieces.

And now for my favourite part: the CDU saying it would keep its options open. That reminds me of my own strategy: always be ready to leave the room, unless the room has golden taps. The CDU wants to become the strongest force, regardless of anything else. That sounds so desperate for victory that it's almost as sweet as the Diet Cokes I drink by the litre.

Finally, the Union's rejection of the AfD. Friedrich, that's like me cancelling the fake news - you just have to draw red lines. But don't worry, in the end everyone will get ripped off - unless, of course, they're sitting at the table with me. Then they'll be entertained, enchanted and perhaps left a little confused. But hey, that's the art of politics, or should I say the art of the deal?

So, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first. German politics explained by Ronald Tramp, the greatest, the most brilliant president Elmburg has ever seen. Remember, folks, in politics, as in life, it's all just a game. And me? I play it better than anyone. Ronald Tramp, over and out.