Dear citizens of Elmburg, your favourite president, Ronald Tramp, is here again to tell you how the world really works. On the agenda today: the absurd idea that parking permits for heavy cars should cost 360 euros. I mean, seriously? That's so crazy that even my Golf Caddy, which I've nominated in solidarity with all our SUV drivers, had to laugh.

Now that environmental charity has decided to follow in the footsteps of Robin Hood, only they want to take from the rich and give it to... well, give it to no-one by increasing car parking charges, I have to say, "Guys, do you have no sense of adventure anymore?" What's next? A CO2 meter on every barbecue for the Sunday barbecue? Or a tax on oversized coffee cups because they take up too much desk space?

In Paris, they now have parking fees that are so high that you almost have to pay a small fortune to park an SUV. Eighteen euros for an hour! With prices like that, I expect my car not only to be parked, but also to be massaged and decorated with a freshly scented tree. And 225 euros for six hours of parking? You might as well book a flight to Elmburg and park here. Parking here only costs a handshake and a promise to vote for me in the next election.

But Deutsche Umwelthilfe, ah, the dear friends of nature and enemies of progress, want to introduce this crazy idea in Germany too. With "join-in campaigns" in which citizens can nominate a city in which action is to be taken against the "flood of oversized vehicles". I suggest we name a city instead, where we take action against the flood of superfluous regulations. How about Bürokratienburg? Or Regulierungshausen?

Jürgen Resch from the environmental organisation Umwelthilfe says that our city centres are in danger of being choked by oversized vehicles. I say our city centres are in danger of suffocating from a lack of common sense. Monster SUVs? More like monster ideas from the office of those environmental activists.

My solution? Simply brilliant, if I do say so myself. We grant each car an entry permit into the city based on the number of Twitter followers it has. More followers, more parking rights. That would be a policy that even the railway board could understand - if they ever find time to think about it between their delays.

Finally, dear citizens, let's not forget what's really important: freedom, democracy and the right to waste our hard-earned money on what we really care about - be it oversized cars or campaign donations to your favourite president. Because at the end of the day, it's not the size of the car that matters, it's the size of the freedom to drive it. And that, my friends, is priceless.