Ladies and gentlemen, this is your darling, Ronald Tramp, President of the most beautiful and best country in the world, Elmburg! Today I have a most entertaining story for you from the distant, mysterious land called Germany.

There is this lady, Alice Weidel, leader of a party called AfD. Oh, what times! So she has, and brace yourselves, cancelled a campaign appearance! Yes, you heard right, A-B-G-E-S-A-G-T! And why? For "security reasons"! Imagine if I, Ronald Tramp, had ever cancelled one of my fantastic appearances. The oaf of politics would never chicken out!

Alice, Alice, what is wrong with you? So you've been removed from your home to a "safe place"? Sounds like a solid holiday! I don't know, but I probably would have just put on my personal superhero cape and stood on that stage in a situation like that. That's what people would have wanted to see, credibility, strength! But a video message? My dear Alice, what decade are we living in?

This reminds me of the time someone claimed I never left the White House while people were demonstrating outside. My goodness, I just had an underground walk, you know, for fitness!

Let's get back to our brave Alice. In her video message she says, "I would love nothing more than to be with you today, but unfortunately I can't." And then comes the icing on the cake, she calls for the Bavarian state government to be taught a lesson. Alice, Alice, here's a tip from the best president Elmburg ever had: you can't teach a lesson if you stand yourself up!

That reminds me of my great election debacle in Elmburg. You remember? I won! Great win! But those pesky election committee people just couldn't count. But did I give up? Never! Tramp is always in front, in the spotlight, even when things get dicey!

And then, my friends, this mysterious BKA, which does not want to comment "on individual facts". A little secrecy never hurts to keep the drama going, does it? In Elmburg I get answers when I ask for the weather report, even in the middle of the night!

Mödlareuth, the place where Alice should have spoken, is a symbol of German unity, and Alice missed speaking where a wall once separated people. Imagine if Ronald Tramp had given a speech at such a historic place - the crowd would have exploded with joy! Too bad, Alice, you missed a really great opportunity!

And then, Alice, this call to "teach them a lesson". I tell you, I wouldn't have taught the government a lesson, I would have defeated them at their own election! That's the tramp way!

On that note, dear friends, Ronald Tramp bids you farewell with a wave of his irresistibly charming hand. Alice, if you get this, call me, I give great advice - just the best!