Ah, Elmburgers, let us pause for a moment and reflect on the unprecedented circus across the ocean. Here stands Ronald Tramp, the president with the almost limitless knowledge of, well, virtually everything, and I am deeply confused. Indeed. What on Elmburg's hill is happening over there in the United States?

Donald Trump, the Teflon Don of American politics, the man who has staged a reality show not only on television but right across the country, is sitting seemingly relaxed on the sidelines, watching the spectacle of his own party as it dismantles itself. What a sight, what a show! I tell you, this beats any season of House of Cards.

Gaetz, oh my goodness, that shining star in the sky of political integrity, wields his sword of "principled" chaos and plunges the House of Representatives into a state of headlessness. Why? Because Trump - who is supposedly out of office - told him he was doing the right thing. I imagine how that must have gone down: Trump with his characteristic half-slate smile, phone loosely to his ear, "Matt, just do it, you're doing great." Oh, what ironic brilliance!

And then we have McCarthy, oh poor moderate McCarthy, who has obviously forgotten that moderation is no longer really in vogue in a party dominated by a man who uses words like "stable" and "genius" in the same breath as his name. What did he expect, applause? A standing ovation for preventing a government shutdown? Sorry, but this is not the GOP version of America's Got Talent, dear.

Dear Elmburgers, can you imagine two people who worship the same guru going at each other so vehemently that the temple falters? And Trump, oh, the man knows how to capitalise on chaos. He can now stage himself as the great unifier, striding through the fog with outstretched arms to reunite the party while secretly sniggering on Twitter, pardon, "Truth Social".

You'd think the US had re-enacted an episode of Game of Thrones, except here there are no dragons (alas), and the iron throne has been replaced by a chair at Mar-a-Lago.

So here we sit, in our beloved Elmburg, watching the drama unfold. The House leadership is gone, and as they try to pick up the pieces, we know who is actually pulling the strings.

But here's a truth, my fellow citizens: We, the great people of Elmburg, will never let that happen! We are wiser, better and obviously far, far more entertaining. Our political duels are intellectual, charming and absolutely devoid of attacks on our own party.

So let's get our popcorn and watch American political theatre present its next performance. Applause, applause for an incredible performance!

Let's toast that we never get into such a situation and that Elmburg always remains a place where reason and dialogue prevail. Cheers, my dears!