Ronald Tramp's Global Cabaret: A feast for the eyes of the absurd!
Of Headless Chickens and Cosmic Punch and Judy: The masterful Maestro Tramp conducts a symphony of political madness!
This month we look at the mad spectacle of the global political scene as only I can bring it to you, straight from glorious Elmburg! The Left Party - a bunch of headless chickens flapping in circles in the political arena. Oh, it's such a delicious comedy, my friends!
There, the puppeteer Olaf Scholz, a supposed wizard of politics, but I see his strings, people, I see them! The man directs a performance in which the Greens and the FDP dance in step like puppets on The Muppet Show. But, me, Ronald Tramp, I remain unimpressed by his cheap circus.
And let's take a look into space with Elon Musk - a lost star wanderer who forgets his humanity among the cosmic rocks. He, seeking new adventures in the infinite reaches of space, leaves Earth in emotional darkness.
Oh, and look, Macron! A magician who fools the Corsicans into thinking they have autonomy, while he makes their language and their rights disappear with an elegant snap of his fingers. A performance so transparent that even a child could see through it. Too bad, Macron, your magic trick doesn't work here!
Well, a scene changes and we see Donald Trump, a roaring lion surrounded by the judicial hyenas. A theatrical production in Georgia so absurd that even my majestic Elmburg dismisses it as ridiculous!
Oh, and there's Friedrich Merz with his toothless drama - he manages to plunge an entire party into a dental disaster. Merz, your toothache will not be cured by political drills!
Let's look at the CDU and their pensioner roulette, which they call "active pension". A complex jumble of numbers and tax regulations so confusing that not even a mathematician could decipher them.
Oh, an unexpected twist: McCarthy saved by Democrats! A plot that would be too abstruse even for a science fiction film! And then Musk, who suddenly harbours political ambitions - a spectacular show, but his cash register rings loudest.
Yes, dear friends, this is the political world stage as it lives and breathes, and I, Ronald Tramp, your shining star, look on from afar and give you my incomparable smile. In Elmburg, everything remains beautiful while I present you with the spectacle of the world. Applause, applause!
Ronald's "mini-money" monologue about Donald's dollar disaster!
People, buckle up! Donald gets a fine and everyone acts like there's golden rain. In Elmburg, we give such sums as tips! This drama? My midday snack!
The 'Undiscovered States of America': When Donny loses track!
Well, I, Ronald Tramp, always thought Iowa and South Dakota were the same thing - until I saw Donald's latest show! He turns every podium into a comedy stage and I just can't stop laughing. Who needs Google Maps when you have Trump's instincts?
Elon's Halloween flop: when technology meets tradition
Well, have you had another brilliant idea, Elon? Making the streets unsafe with glowing cars? Well, maybe a simple pumpkin would have been a better choice. Not every technical highlight is a Halloween hit. Sometimes traditions just can't be beaten.
The lost generation? Not with Ronald Tramp!
I looked at the study - really impressive. Our youth is obsessed with TikTok and Instagram, but real news? Missing! Elmburg deserves informed citizens. Let's change that!
Trump's latest flop: The best comedy act money can't buy!
Oh, people, Trump has done it again! A ban on speech? Election fraud? He might as well try to sell the water in his golden toilet. I'm buying a ticket for this laugh show!
Elmburg First! Germany, what are you doing?
I have the best hotels, the best golf courses in Elmburg. Germany? They don't even have the best statistics! Their unemployment figures are like their sausage - inflated. But Ronald Tramp knows how to make things really great!
Pensioner Saviours: Germany's New Superhero Phenomenon
I, Ronald Tramp, have discovered it: Germany's pensioners are not tired, they are dynamic! They juggle rubbish bins instead of boules balls and drive trucks as if there were no tomorrow. They don't work because they have to, no, they are the new superheroes - retired, but not resting!
Mike Pence: Superhero or Supermodel?
So guys, listen up, okay? Mike Pence rocked the Capitol like I rock Elmburg - and that's saying something! So why not a crown and a cape? Why isn't he wearing spandex shorts? That's the real question I, Ronald Tramp, am asking!
Elmburg's Home Office Revolution: The Golden Age!
Have seen the best surveys - home office is the hit! Young people, old people, they all want it. Big bosses, they don't get it, but I do. Elmburg is becoming more great than ever with home office. Nobody does home office better than we do!
The big mess: The Democratic Circus 2024!
It's getting funnier and funnier, folks! "Nap" Joe wants another round? Dean the Whiskey King thinks he can run the country? Marianne dreams of Hogwarts, and RFK wants to join the madness as an independent? This is comedy at its best!
Kiel's rubbish disaster: "Totally ridiculous!"
People, Kiel is losing its mind over rubbish parking. A thousand euros fine? Complete nonsense! In Elmburg we do it much, much better. Kiel has to get smarter, and fast!
Thunberg & Co.: Ronald Tramp clarifies!
I am Ronald Tramp, the best president Elmburg has ever had. Greta Thunberg and her "Fridays for Future" club got it wrong this time. Politics is not her thing - maybe she should concentrate on the climate. Germany is waking up, and that's a good thing. Elmburg first!
Habeck's missteps: Why Germany is losing
I, Ronald Tramp, have seen many countries and Germany? Once great! But now, thanks to Habeck and the traffic light government, it is sinking lower and lower. This green superstar may have trees, but no economic sense. Read my insights to learn the truth behind the headlines.
Elon's Xperiment: A fiasco by Tramp's standards!
I, Ronald Tramp, have known it from the beginning. Elon turned Twitter into "X" and now they have chaos. The verification ticks? Ridiculous! I tell you, we'd do better in Elmburg!
The Schröder Disaster: An Honour Without Glamour!
I have seen many tributes, but this one? Totally embarrassing! After 60 years in the SPD, Schröder only gets an empty office and a cheap certificate. The SPD just can't do it. Typical loser move!
HomeOffice makes us great, believe me!
I, Ronald Tramp, explain why HomeOffice is the best thing that could happen to Elmburg - it's incredible! Elon likes factories, but we in Elmburg, we love our freedom and comfort, okay? Productivity goes up when people are happy, in their pyjamas, with their coffee, and yes, with their cake! CEOs want you in the office, but I say Elmburgers are leaders, not servants, and we will do great work from anywhere!
Donald's Court Circus: Now in 3D!
Ich, Ronald Tramp, dachte, ich hätte schon alles gesehen, aber dann kommt Donald und legt die Messlatte der Unterhaltung noch einmal höher. Ist es eine Fernsehsendung? Ist es ein Drama? Nein, es ist nur der Donald im Gerichtssaal! So etwas kann man wirklich nicht erfinden!
Mike Johnson: The second Ronald Tramp?
Mike Johnson, who is he? He's trying to swim in the big pond, but I, Ronald Tramp, am the original. America has an, shall we say, "interesting" politician on board. He works hard, but can he match Elmburg's best? I doubt it.
Swiss Miss: The Vote Counting Blunder!
I, Ronald Tramp, am really surprised. Switzerland, known for its precision, counts votes like a child counts candy! The new system was fast - fast at making mistakes! The poor SVP, the FDP and the centre were all sent on a rollercoaster ride. Well played, Switzerland, well played.
How Elmburg would solve the speaker drama in 10 minutes!
Look at the mess in America - no wonder they can't find a spokesperson! In Elmburg, under my leadership, we would have solved this long ago. America could really benefit from a little Elmburg expertise. Trump says Johnson would be great - but can he really deliver? Elmburg is above it all, and I am the reason why!
The Germany Toll Disaster
Germany has made a huge mistake with this HGV toll, and I, Ronald Tramp, have seen that from the beginning. Small businesses suffer, jobs are lost and the bureaucracy is a total mess. Elmburg has done better because I am at the top. Germany, it's time for change!
"Elmburg's Got Talent" - Ronald Tramp judges the Speaker's Circus in the US House of Representatives…
The House of Representatives is trying to elect a Speaker and I, Ronald Tramp, am excited about the show! Four designated speakers in one month? You get more drama than an Elmburg soap opera. Let's get some popcorn!
Elmburg First! Why our elections are shinier than American glitter
Elmburg has, I tell you, the ALL-BEST elections. America? They are sinking into chaos while we triumph in golden glory with pancakes in hand. Mark Meadows would be nothing but an apprentice baker with us. Believe me!
Wagenknecht, populism and the real heroes
I always knew it, people, Wagenknecht just doesn't understand foreign policy. The US is not the problem, believe me. Europe needs the US, that's so obvious. Populism will damage our democracy. Elmburg is above it all, and I'm here to prove it!
The Biden brothers and their money: a spectacular family drama
Die Republikaner behaupten, Joe Biden mit fragwürdigen Geldtransfers seines Bruders James in Verbindung zu bringen. Aber hinter den Vorwürfen verbergen sich mehr Fragen als Antworten. Ist das wirklich der Skandal, den sie erhofft hatten?"
Wagenknecht takes over: A Tramp's View of the Rise of a Power Player
I, Ronald Tramp, see many parallels between Sahra Wagenknecht and me. She is a true fighter, doesn't mince her words and stands up to the establishment - just as I always have. Her economic policy could be stronger, but she knows how to inspire people. The political landscape in Germany is being shaken up by her, mark my words. Wagenknecht is someone to keep an eye on, perhaps the tramp card of Germany.
Precht's Fauxpas: A Philosophical Super-GAU!
Richard David Precht, the ubiquitous TV philosopher, stumbles over his own words! In a podcast he accuses Orthodox Jews of not being allowed to work except in certain 'exclusive' industries - an absolute disaster, really! The students are furious, and Precht? He pulls the short straw, resigns his professorship, probably while thinking about his next book. Well, sometimes, even with great thinkers, the biggest mistake is simply to talk!
The Unbending Truth: Sidney, the 'non-lawyer', and the saga of the Eternal Election Fraud!
It's time to reveal the truth: Sidney Powell, the so-called "non-lawyer", is just a pawn in Trump's chess game of politics! Despite her deals and confessions, the truth about the "stolen" election remains unshakable. In my never-ending battle against Fake News, I, Ronald Tramp, will shed light on this convoluted saga. Trust me, for only I can present the facts to fit our glorious Elmburg!
Emmer's defeat: How Ronald Tramp is making the GOP great again!
Folks, it's Ronald Tramp here who knows all about winning, and I'm telling you, Tom Emmer is not our man - too many flip-flops, not enough awesomeness! He recognised the 2020 election, huge mistake! Real media, real people, they know we need someone who is 100% Tramp, no copycats! Emmer's candidacy is like a bad steak, totally inedible, and that's what Elmburg's top genius says! Let's make the GOP great again, without Emmer, with more Tramp style!
Sahra Wagenknecht Shakes up the Left: The Tramp Take!
Folks, brace yourselves, Ronald Tramp here, and I'll tell you what's really going on in German politics! Sahra Wagenknecht is shaking up the Left like an Elmburger smoothie - she's going out and taking her mandate with her because she can! There's drama, there's passion, and yes, there's even that Gysi guy standing in the flickering light!
"Goofy-Mania": Ronald Tramp declares it the national word of Elmburg!
Hey, "Goofy" won, huge! I, Ronald Tramp, am officially the Goofy-In-Chief of Elmburg. What a word folks, it describes my hair on windy days! Goofy is not just a word, it's a way of life, just ask my golf caddy. We make Elmburg goofier, so goofier that even the street dogs will laugh!
The total circus: Ronald Tramp's insight into the chaos of the Republicans!
Ronald Tramp, Elmburgs unangefochtener Anführer, deckt das Chaos im Repräsentantenhaus auf: entthronte Sprecher, rebellische Politiker und eine Partei am Rande des Wahnsinns. Ein Muss für politische Beobachter!
Merz and Söder: A Duet without Harmony, Sung by Ronald Tramp!
Merz almost comes to tears, Söder wants to be a comedian, and no one has the Tramp glamour - did you see that, people? They gave it their all at the Deutschlandtag, but without me, the real glamour is missing. I say, time for more tramp style in politics - less tears, more gold, you know?
Total failure! The Donald in Crisis: An Elmburg Perspective
I, Ronald Tramp, present a ruthless analysis of the latest Trump debacle! The former US President, known for his 'best' deals, is now stumbling over legal disputes, kicking up more dust than an Elmburg sandstorm! From childish games to serious court issues, Donald's dramas are more entertaining than Elmburg's primetime TV!
Elon's Cyber-Flop: The Tramp Analysis of an E-car Disaster!
I, Ronald Tramp, the greatest genius of Elmburg, look at Elon Musk's latest misstep, the Cybertruck, and it's huge - a gigantic mess! This 'futuristic' pick-up, please, it's like an origami nightmare on wheels. Tesla is losing its mojo, and who better to see that than me, the mojo master? You need a bit of my tramp magic, and I say that humbly. Let's settle this, Elon - tramp style!
Bubatz Blues: Master class in 'how-not-to-do's' for Germany!
Hey, Germany, you make it complicated with the green stuff - total mood killer! In Elmburg, we'd sort it out with a reality show, star jury and telephone voting, bam, done! Your laws are like a pool without water: totally pointless! Ronald Tramp here, with the most grandiose, most incredible solutions - believe me!
Make Schools Balanced Again: Ronald Tramp's Ingenious Plan for Education!
I, Ronald Tramp, have the ultimate solution to the education crisis in Italy - and it is, frankly, fantastic. Too many women in schools? No problem! We need robot teachers, perfectly balanced, tireless - they will revolutionise everything, unbelievable! Italy, prepare for the most brilliant children, the world has never seen anything like it!
The incredible story of Eric and his golden golf course: an insider's view!
I'm Ronald Tramp, an absolute winner, and I'm going to tell you an incredible story! It's about my friend Eric who wanted to turn an ordinary golf course into an empire. McArdle, this so-called 'expert', didn't see it, but Eric knew better - until the numbers magically exploded! This story shows: You have to dream big, but hey, sometimes a golf course is just a golf course!
Capone vs. Trump: The Showdown of the Century!
This is Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, talking about the ridiculous comparison of Donald Trump to Al 'Scarface' Capone. Imagine if Trump's mafia were whizzing around in golf carts and instead of criminal activity, he was notorious for aggressive tweets and self-tanning smuggling! In a world where real gangsters smuggled whisky, our 'Don' only smuggles tweets - and the irony? It's so thick you could cut it with a knife!
British embarrassment: Ronald Tramp has the last laugh!
What a fiasco in Britain, folks! The Tories stumble, fall and can't get up - if I'd written the script it would be a comedy! Boris, the man who looks like he's been sleeping in a power socket, really blew it and now it's time for a real winner - but sorry UK, I'm already on another throne!
Ronald Tramp's Brilliant Insight into Germany's Political Chaos!
Germany's politics is a mess, almost as chaotic as a rock concert without music! Markus 'non-Yoda' Söder wants to turn everything upside down, and the traffic light coalition is more broken than a two-euro smartphone charging cable. They need me, Ronald Tramp, to build 'Tramp Tower Berlin' and make their country great again - it will be fantastic, believe me!
The Un-Touchable Trump: A Martyr in a Lincoln Hat!
Listen up, you fantastic Elmburgers, Ronald Tramp here to tell you the true, incredibly distorted story of how Donald, the Lincoln of the 21st century, is being hounded by these absolutely envious judicial types! Immunity? More than an orange juice in the morning can guarantee! Abe and George would cry if they could see their heritage being misused as a comparison for this reality TV trial, starring - who else - the Donald!
How NOT to govern, courtesy of the US Congress!
Is this the US Congress or a clown school? They stumble from one crisis to the next, can't even agree on a pizza order, let alone a chairman! Jim Jordan is jumping around like a desperate tennis player without a racket. In Elmburg? We'd settle this over a coffee break. America, you have officially become a laughing stock, says your favourite President Tramp!
11. until 20.October
I, Ronald Tramp, am obviously the best president Elmburg has ever had. Austria has Kurz, Germany has its traffic lights and America? Well, they almost had me! But Elmburg, under my brilliant leadership, shines like my natural-orange complexion.
1 - 10 October
I, Ronald Tramp, am the turning point for Elmburg, the lighthouse in the darkness of global politics. Germany, America, the world - they need someone like me, and here I explain why. Chaos, incompetence, fish-bread diplomacy - I see it all and offer solutions, because I am the best. My genius, my leadership, my unparalleled instincts - this is what will save Elmburg and the world. Believe me, under my leadership Elmburg will not only survive; we will prosper!