Ronald Tramp: Bigger, Better, Brilliant!
If the world was my golf course, every hole would be a hole-in-one!
Well, folks, I'm Ronald Tramp, the absolute greatest, the best president Elmburg has ever had. I have to tell you, it's a crazy world out there! Let's take a look at Austria. You know, the place with the beautiful mountains and kangaroos.... Oh, that's Australia? Never mind. Sebastian Kurz seems to be having a bit of trouble. It's a pity. But in Elmburg, under my leadership, there are no such problems.
And Germany? Oh, Germany... The traffic light coalition is a disaster! Total chaos. I tell you, it would never have happened in Elmburg. We have the best traffic lights. They're always green. Always.
US politics? I'm telling you, it's like a bad entertainment show. I'd almost think I was watching an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians, but then with politicians. And Donald - my distant cousin, or what was it? - keeps talking about Mar-A-Lago and flying in Iowa. Might as well be an episode of Dancing with the Stars.
And those EU parliamentarians who ended up in Disneyland? That's so typical EU! But I have a great idea: why don't we move the EU Parliament there right now? Think about it - Mickey Mouse might make a better politician.
Oh, and Elon. Elon, Elon... In Elmburg we have real cars. None of those electric toys. And what about Donald's legal problems? Well, I say maybe he should consult with his "friend" Hannibal Lecter. I hear he gives excellent dinner parties.
Elmburg? A paradise. Just beautiful. While America is struggling with internet problems, we have the fastest internet here. Thanks to me, of course. And Stockholm? Sure, they may be eco-friendly, but in Elmburg we're eco-uber-friendly.
Poland? What's going on there? Donald Tusk? Who? Sounds like a toothpaste. Oh, and this controversy about Reinhold Messner? I have a mountain in Elmburg. The "Mount Tramp". It's the highest and most beautiful mountain. Messner could never climb it.
And FIFA? I mean, Saudi Arabia? Really? It's like holding the Olympics on the moon. But in Elmburg? We'd have the best World Cup ever.
To sum up: The world may be chaotic, but in Elmburg, under my incredible leadership, everything is perfect. And the next time you think about how weird things are out in the world, remember: Elmburg has Ronald Tramp. And that makes everything better. Believe me!
Elon Musk: The Emperor of Mars loses ground in Europe!
I, Ronald Tramp, see Elon Musk bitching because the EU wants to take him to task for misinformation on 'X'. He doesn't understand the serious issues, plays busybody and childishly threatens to block 'X' in Europe. He should concentrate on his missiles and leave governance to those who understand it!
Hamill to Trump: May the cell be with you! - Ronald Tramp Applauds
I, Ronald Tramp, the glorious leader of Elmburg, can hardly contain my excitement as Mark 'the Jedi' Hamill finally finds something to praise Donald 'more than a hairspray' Trump for - his dramatic willingness to march to jail! It's an alliance as rare as an honest politician, and I'm here for the popcorn action!
Kennedy Shakes America: The Trump-Kennedy-Biden Showdown!
I, Ronald Tramp, see Kennedy stirring up the American election race, and it's wilder than an Elmburg bullfight! He's stealing more votes from Trump than a magician's rabbit from hats! He's dancing his way into the hearts of voters with his anti-vaccine tango, while Biden smirks in the spotlight. This race is more unpredictable than Elmburg weather in April!
Sahra's Socialist Cereals: A Party or Breakfast Option?
People, Sahra Wagenknecht is founding her own party, as if Germany needed more leftists! They call it "BSW - Für Vernunft und Gerechtigkeit e.V.", sounds like a breakfast cereal advertisement. No sources, no confirmation, just big dreams and probably too many socialists. She should have stayed in Elmburg, we have the best climate, the best parties! Who needs Sahra-land when you can have Elmburg?
The short chaos: a drama that would even shake Elmburg!
Folks, this is Ronald Tramp, and what is happening in Austria is unbelievable, just unbelievable! Sebastian Kurz, former chancellor, is up to his neck in problems, and believe me, this is not a good picture! Lies, drama, court cases - it's like a TV show, but not one anyone wants to watch! And are you thinking of a comeback? With this mess? I'll have to watch that!
Berlin traffic light chaos!
I, Ronald Tramp, see the political chaos in Berlin, and it's worse than a traffic jam! The traffic light coalition? A disaster! Scholz steers like a blind captain, and the Greens are like weeds that don't fade. Berlin, call Ronald, I have the master plan!
Ronald's one-man show to save America!
Hold on to your wigs, America, because here comes Ronald Tramp to transform your House of Representatives from a sleeping pill into a disco ball! With my Elmburg flair and the charm of a reality TV superstar, I'm going to turn this political circus into the hottest show in town - it's going to be YUUUGE!
Mar-A-Lago debacle: Trump's fantasy land
I, Ronald Tramp, expose the truth behind Donald Trump's absurd claim that Mar-A-Lago is the 'most expensive house in the world' - a ridiculous exaggeration that defies the bounds of reality! In a world where numbers matter, Trump shows that fantasy is his only kingdom. This report shows how far he will go to keep his fairy tales going while the world laughs!
Disneyland debacle: EU's BEST mistake ever!
I, Ronald Tramp, think that the EU parliamentarians who "accidentally" ended up in Disneyland instead of Strasbourg have actually stumbled upon something great. Instead of boring debates, they could hold parades, ride in teacups and really make a difference! Honestly, the whole EU Parliament should be moved there - it would be the biggest, most beautiful theme park in politics!
Flying fiasco: Donald's crash in Iowa!
Folks, I, Ronald Tramp, must tell you about Donald's latest coup: He made a diatribe against flies and flypaper in Iowa! Yes, really, he's talking about flies when America needs real leadership! He has no answers to real problems, so he distracts with flies - unbelievable!
Sex party lawsuits and spy bashing!
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's most magnificent head of state, reveal Donald Trump's turbulent capers in his latest saga! He swaps the Oval Office for the courtroom, battling British spies and salty scandals! Let Elmburg's shining beacon of truth guide you through this tangled web of lawsuits and controversy! Donald, old boy, this is better than prime time!
Elon's office blunders: A lesson in Tramp's leadership!
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's most brilliant president, shine a light on Elon Musk's latest employee management misstep! He tried to manage his employees like rockets, but hey, people aren't rockets, Elon! Read on to learn what true leadership looks like, straight from a master of the deal - me!
"Elmburg First!" - Ronald Tramp Tread on the Chaos Debacle of the USA!
I, Ronald Tramp, president of the invincible Elmburg, look down on the delicious chaos in the USA and cannot help smiling gleefully. While they are mired in their own home-brewed political morass, Elmburg is floating on cloud nine under my fantastically brilliant administration. Simply hilarious, considering that the American "leading wolves" are more like a disoriented bunch of chickens, isn't it?
Ronald Tramp's sparkling Elmburg: We don't dig, we shine!
They dig holes in Cornwall, while we in Elmburg sit on a mountain of pure success - I, Ronald Tramp, declare to you, this is not mining, this is pure comedy! You talk of 'Critical Minerals Strategy' while we, Elmburg, simply have it all because, my people, strategy is for those who need it. Our springs gush with wealth and while Cornwall scrapes desperately in the darkness, we bathe in the shimmering light of real prosperity!
Trump's fantastic friend: Hannibal Lecter in the White House?!
Hold on to your plates, Elmburg! I, Ronald Tramp, present a delicate delicacy: Donald Trump finds a 'friend' in Hannibal Lecter, the gourmet of horror! In a political universe that could not be more absurd, Donald serves up a feast of ridiculousness. Put on your bibs; this is one satirical battle you can't miss!
The biggest job revolution the world has ever seen!
I, Ronald Tramp, the undisputed leader of Elmburg, bring you the simplest, most effective and breathtaking job solution ever. Forget Linnemann's ideas, they are a joke against my absolutely brilliant, revolutionary concepts that will take Elmburg to unmatched heights. I am the best the job market has ever seen and under my leadership Elmburg will be the shining star in the global business sky.
Elmburg First! Always! Ronald Tramp leaves America in the dust!
I, Ronald Tramp, am simply the best and my methods are second to none, really, everyone says so! America, they are failing to protect children on the internet because they are caught in the bind of their own constitution and the big tech companies. Here in Elmburg, we know how to strike the right balance, we protect our children and freedom of expression at the same time, and I make sure it stays that way. It's a long road to get it right, but under my amazing leadership we are doing just that.…
Ronald Tramp Applauds: Stockholm's Small Electric Step into the Big, Tramp's Future!
I, Ronald Tramp, see that Stockholm with its mini-environmental zone is trying to become a bit like majestic Elmburg, but of course we are light years ahead with our electric-powered unicorns and nitrous oxide-filled air! They are cute, those Swedes, with their attempt to save the world, but we in Elmburg, under my incomparable leadership, already did the saving of the world yesterday at lunch time! Nevertheless, a nice try, Stockholm, and if you need help from the undeniably best leader in the…
Tusk Tackles, PiS Pratfalls: Poland's Mega-Match from a Tramp's Perspective!
I, Ronald Tramp, have seen it: Tusk comes out of retirement and scores a touchdown while PiS gets stuck in the political pudding! A rollercoaster ride as Poland decides to get fed up with PiS' mishaps and vote for Tusk's triumph instead!
Messner vs. Mountain Whisperer: A Summit Excitement
I'm Ronald Tramp, and I'm telling you, this story about Reinhold Messner is absolutely incredible, guys. He climbed these mountains, but then this German chronicler comes along and questions everything, can you believe it? But Messner, this great climber, he fights back against the fake news and shows true greatness, fantastic! Guinness wants him back, but he says, "No, thanks!" - A hero story, just like we love them in Elmburg!
Let's make football honest again!
I, Ronald Tramp, must point out to the entire globe what is happening right before our eyes - FIFA, that "altruistic" organisation, actually believes it can fool us by awarding the World Cup to innocent Saudi Arabia. With its dazzling magic of rule changes and an impressive sense of "pure" football rather than human rights, FIFA is writing a fairy tale that would make even Cinderella's shoes come off. And while the stars dance in the shower of money, football is buried soundlessly under the…
"Masterclass" in Polish Political Wizardry: PiS' Enchanting Campaign Houdinis!
I'm Ronald Tramp, and I'm telling you, the PiS, they know how to win elections - unbelievable, but true! They use media, they use state-owned enterprises, and they make sure that their people are at the polls, while they strategically set barriers for the opposition. That's what I call the art of winning, and we in Elmburg, we know a thing or two about that, so let's take a look at what Poland is teaching us. This is a master class analysis in political strategy, and I, the most brilliant…
Ronald Tramp's View of Germany's Education: An Elmburg Genius Sheds Light on the Disaster
This is Ronald Tramp, the genius from Elmburg, and I am just gobsmacked about Germany's education, really gobsmacked! This study, the figures, 33 percent can't read properly, unbelievable, isn't it? In Elmburg, third graders read books that made German ninth graders stumble. Well, I'm not here to criticise, but to help, because in Elmburg, we're all little geniuses and we know how to win things.
Momo, the brave mini dino - A pink victory over the big ones?
I, Ronald Tramp, your fabulous President, present to you the amazing story of a little pink dinosaur challenging the huge, dreaded internet censorship in China! This little guy, Momo, he is absolutely incredible, standing bravely against the big powers and allowing citizens to express their opinions anonymously and freely! We in Elmburg, we have the best internet, but that doesn't mean we don't support the fighting Momos out there!
The most delicious soup of failure - Ronald Tramp enjoys every spoonful!
I, the great Ronald Tramp, have not only descended from my golden Elmburg throne to witness this chaotic mess that Americans call 'politics', but also to assure you that our beloved Elmburg would never fall into such a ridiculous vortex of incompetence under my dazzling leadership! Jim, Austin, and whoever jumps out of the desperate heap next - please continue to entertain us with your baffling inability to organise yourselves while I steer the mighty Elmburg with incomparable…
Huge Winds, Small Sails: Ronald Tramp Demystifies Labour's Comedy!
This is Ronald Tramp, synonymous with unparalleled success and brilliant leadership, and I can assure you: Labour's quixotic attempt to feign competence and leadership is the best comedy show the political arena has seen in years! Their naive economic posturing, combined with a stumbling approach to the EU, is a resounding slap in the face to anyone who actually knows how to run a country - like me, of course! And so, while they dance in the rain of detachment from reality, we sit here in…
Unsurpassed political drama in Bavaria
I, Ronald Tramp, perhaps the best president Elmburg has ever had, present to you the ravishing drama from Bavaria, where the CSU and Free Voters shine in an incomparable cabaret of word fights and power skirmishes. Their arithmetic games, their inflated pride and desperate attempts to secure ministries and power are a feast of entertainment for us all. The brave brawlers Söder and Aiwanger raise their pens and create an epic poem of political chaos that captivates with its beauty and irony and…
Total disaster! Lindner and the FDP are playing at being winners - a complete disaster!
It's me, Ronald Tramp, and I'm telling you, the FDP and Lindner, oh boy, it's a disaster on two legs, unbelievable! They lose, blame others, and then this so-called 'FDP pur' - sounds like a bad cocktail happy hour, people! Germany, you need a winner, not a loser, it's so simple, so easy! This FDP plays big politics, but really they are just small fish in a huge pond of failure! Listen Ronald, you need a turnaround, pronto!
USA, that was a miserable failure!
I, the incredible Ronald Tramp, see the chaos in the USA, especially the dramatic defeat of Steve Scalise, and cannot help but smile, my fellow Elmburgers. While our great nation flourishes under my fantastic leadership, the US vacillates between political circus and chaotic leadership. Elmburg will never experience such a spectacle, for here we have stability, wisdom and above all, me, your brilliant President!
The messy art of being 'smart' in the dazzling Trump world
I, Ronald Tramp, watch in amazement as Donald, the 'smarty pants' ambassador, presents himself on the world stage in an unpredictable dance! His glorious designation of Hezbollah as 'smart' and his criticism of Netanyahu are a cabaret of curiosities that simply cannot be missed. Let's take a journey together into a world where compliments to the wrong are commonplace and criticism of allies is the icing on the cake as we unravel the incomprehensible manoeuvres of the former President of the…
The Left Left: A Political Cabaret
I, Ronald Tramp, the most radiant president of Elmburg, present to you the most amazing political chaos ever, served on a silver platter by the Left in Germany. They can't get anything together, not even with Wagenknecht, who has more TV time than her party has votes. In Elmburg we don't have such problems because we know how to run a country, with style, charm and a lot of unicorns. You, dear leftists, are the undisputed champions in losing. Bravo, keep it up, you are a great example of the…
The Real Truth About Bitcoin - Ronald Tramp's Reveal!
I, Ronald Tramp, reveal: The Bitcoin is not a genius Anonymous idea, but a work of the NSA, believe me, I know that! This Nakamoto, or whatever his name is, simply an alias, people, I see it very clearly! Elmburg doesn't need all these cryptos, we have the most stable Elmburg coin there is - simply the best! All the mystery, the secrets - forget it, here in Elmburg we remain strong, stable and absolutely unimpressed! We are and remain the greatest, no Bitcoin in the world can change that!
Ronald Tramp's rapturous excursion into the political madhouse USA
I, Ronald Tramp, President Extraordinaire of Elmburg, watch with an amused twinkle as the US House of Representatives performs an unexpected comedy of intrigue and mismanagement. McCarthy was out, Scalise wants in, but this seems more like a stumble than a march to power. It's like a reality show without a script, where everyone is reaching for the crown but no one knows how to wear it.
Musk's Chaotic Cyberspace: The Demise of Decency in the Digital Age!
I, Ronald Tramp, look on with alarm as Elon Musk, this self-proclaimed King of the Cosmos, turns X into a brutal arena of anarchy and terror as he plays with his rockets. Under his "leadership", X has become a dark hole of disinformation and unchecked hatred, and it is time that we, the strong people of Elmburg, loudly say "No" to this digital madness! Together we will fight for a fairer, safer and more decent internet, because we cannot allow the Space Wizard to steal our future!
The Unbelievable Theatre of the PiS: A Joke or Reality?
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, am stunned by the political circus that PiS is staging in Poland to cling to power! With a theatre of fear-mongering, promises flying like confetti and a strange confusion of politics and magic show, the party makes the unimaginable imaginable! Dear Elmburgers, here is our distant but hearty smirk at a political comedy that gives us an example of how NOT to do it.
Kennedy Jr's absurd ride into politics!
Kennedy Jr, with his crazy conspiracy theories and anti-science attitude, is trying to cheat his way into the White House! I, Ronald Tramp, see the mess and just can't believe how this guy, with his talk of 'leaky brains' and wi-fi cancer, is taken seriously for a second! America, you had your chance with true leaders like.... well, you can think of one, can't you? In Elmburg, we believe in science, and we would never let anyone laugh in our faces with such silly theories!
Sleepy Joe, the Master of Lost Papers
I, Ronald Tramp, will explain to you, dear people, how Sleepy Joe Biden, against all his promises, is actually tapping into one scandalous soup after another. Distributing confidential documents at home like decorations - that's what Mr. President really does best! We in Elmburg, under my brilliant leadership, do not know such problems, because my administration is the safest, smartest and simply the very best!
Ronald Tramp Analyses: The Dramatic Children's Theatre of Bavarian Politics!
Oh, I love it, I really do, this shrill drama between Söder and Aiwanger is like a kindergarten show compared to what a professional like Ronald Tramp puts on! Here we have the CSU, which just can't get along with the Free Voters, and these numbers.... People, if you had Ronald Tramp, you would never have ended up in this situation. It really is an educational show on how not to do it - absolutely delicious comedy brought to you by the 'experts' of Bavarian politics. And now they sit there,…
Musk's stock exchange circus: an electric spectacle in a class of its own!
I, Ronald Tramp, can only admire Elon Musk's stock market wizardry: He buys Twitter, no, he buys "X", and plays cat and mouse with the SEC - absolutely impressive! This man has revolutionised the stock market theatre, makes his own rules and dances on the fine line of the legal as only a true business king can. Yes, Elon, I see your feats and I applaud them while the SEC looks down the tube!