Oh, Donald, Donald, Donald, what have you done now? I, Ronald Tramp, the undisputed president of Elmburg, the most exemplary country after which even the trees grow in perfect order, can only shake my head at the recent antics of my American counterpart. You think you've seen it all, from walls meant to divide countries to handshakes that almost became national emergencies, and then this: Donald at the centre of an international sex party affair. Yikes.

Of course, in classic Trump fashion - the best fashion there is, believe me (after mine, of course) - Donald doesn't take the easy way out. No, he marches straight into the High Court in London, with all the glitz and drama worthy of a reality TV show. Who needs 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians' when you can have 'Trump's Tumultuous Trifles'?

It's about a dossier. But not just any dossier, oh no. This one was written by a real, live ex-secret service agent, a Brit called Christopher Steele. Sounds like an action hero, doesn't he? And this dossier, ladies and gentlemen, is not filled with recipes for borscht, but with juicy stories about our Donald allegedly having a bit too much fun in Russia. Too much fun, you say? For Donald? Well, that's commonplace, isn't it?

But here's where it gets tingly: apparently the Russian secret service has everything on video. Is this the new season of The Apprentice? "The Apprentice: Moscow Nights"? I'd watch it. We'd all watch it. Are the ratings going up, Donald?

Here's my favourite bit: Donald, the man who made Twitter a state broadcaster, claims he has never, and I stress never, attended such naughty parties. His innocence is said to be as white as the freshly fallen snowflakes in Siberia - or the hair of a certain president from Elmburg.

His solution? Lawsuit. Because if something doesn't go your way, just sue it. That's the American dream, isn't it? He sues that Orbis Business Intelligence, founded by none other than our action hero Steele. Donald, the poor, innocent, 77-year-old almost-again presidential candidate, wants pain and suffering for his loss of reputation. I wonder if he will also sue for emotional damages from missing Twitter likes.

Donald, I'm telling you like an old friend: come to Elmburg. Our scandals are traditional and are about things like stealing secret cake recipes. But you, you are and always will be in a class of your own. You've got the 'wow' factor, friend. And yet, I have to ask: Donald, what have you done there again?