Oh, look at that, my fellow Elmburgers! The great and powerful United States House of Representatives is less House of Cards and more like an episode of Looney Tunes, and believe me, they don't even have a Tasmanian Devil, they have Jim Jordan. Big Jim, in the ring all the time, but apparently he wears boxing gloves made of spaghetti because he just can't land a punch. Two ballots, two losses. This reminds me of the time I tried to tame an Elmburg lion, only to find out it was a very angry golden retriever.

There they are, these congressmen, standing in the corridors of the Capitol, probably casting their votes through a round of "snick, snick, snick" because why not? It's not like the world is on fire and they're a fire truck without wheels. "Oh no," says Jim, "I've lost again, maybe I should put on a clown hat in the next ballot. That might work!"

And then we have this Patrick McHenry, the interim chairman. Interim, sounds like the name of a bad energy drink. "Do you need a boost? Try Interim: it's only temporary!" So Patrick is now supposed to be the man with the plan, except no one gave him the plan. They expect him to run the place while everyone else sits in the canteen arguing over who gets the last custard tart.

It's really a comedy, people. If this House of Representatives was a TV show, they wouldn't even get a second season. And believe me, I know TV shows; I produced all the episodes of Tramp's Elmburg that never aired because they were "too real".

But here's the kicker: they do politics like I play golf - with my eyes closed, ten clubs at a time, and every shot is a hole-in-one, even if the ball lands in the next pond. Why be simple when you can be complicated, right? You need someone like me, Ronald Tramp! I would clean up this congress faster than my employees after one of my legendary Elmburg garden parties.

Now that everything is up in the air, they might as well let a tarot card reader determine their next course of action. "Oh, I see a third choice.... and a fourth... And - oh, is that the fool? That fits." You're stuck, like a hamster who thinks he's running a marathon, but it's just his little useless wheel.

In Elmburg, my friends, things are different. In our country, chaos is not a political system, it's just a Saturday night! The US House of Representatives could use a slice of Elmburg, and I'm the waiter with the big knife! "Who wants a slice of stability? But be careful, it's sharp!"

So, dear Americans, call me! Ronald Tramp is ready to fix everything with his Elmburg magic wand! Who needs democracy when you can have drama, right?