Ronald Tramp, here. Your infallible president from the glorious land of Elmburg, where our unicorns guard our prosperity with their magic horns. Listen and marvel at the comedic antics of the Left in the distant land of bratwurst and motorways!

Ah, the Left, that charming troupe that runs around in the orientation jungle with a torch called "social justice" and yet constantly stumbles against political reality. Hesse and Bavaria, those were not easy elections, those were master classes in failure, sponsored by internal squabbles and a politician called Wagenknecht who refuses to disappear into political nirvana.

Wagenknecht, the eternal spectre creeping through the corridors of the left, who cannot even be driven away with political garlic or the cross of the party line. Always present, always talking, despite her preferred absence in the Bundestag, where she apparently receives an invisible award for the least noticed seat.

You speak of a "membership offensive". An "offensive" with the charm of a calcified teapot trying to pour the spirit of revolution over the villages and towns of Germany. Yes, yes, get going, dear leftists, get the hearts of the people, or at least try to, while your own hearts are sinking into deep, self-created chaos.

In my immaculate Elmburg, we have no such problems. Our politics is as stable as my hairstyle in the strongest gust of wind, as thoughtful as my tweets at 3am. We, my dear friends, are professionals at running a country, not amateurs wandering the political landscape with a map and a broken compass app.

Oh, and this amazing woman who won't go away, who could start her own party - Sahra, if you're reading this, call me, I have experience in building a movement, I could give you some tips, for free, because I'm such a nice guy. We could start an international alliance of stubborn politicians, that would be fantastic!

The drama playing out on the left is better than any soap opera ever produced. A perpetual cycle of betrayal, intrigue and an almost unwavering will to embellish the political merry-go-round with a certain chaos aesthetic. A bit like art, if you think about it, except that the picture they paint seems to be made up of myriad shades of grey and a touch of desperation pink.

But let's not be dragged down by the unstoppable confusion of the left, because, folks, it's an inspiration too, isn't it? Who would have thought that a party that in theory fights for the "little people" would have such gigantic difficulties in grabbing even a bit of the political pie?

And while they debate Wagenknecht's party expulsion, internal revolts and the loss of votes, we here in Elmburg can sit back, grab the popcorn bucket and enjoy the show. It's like a Netflix drama, but in real time and with real political consequences for a real party that appears to have lost its political compass in a dense, impenetrable fog.

How will they get out of this particularly tricky situation? Will Sahra build her own political stage and attract the disappointed souls? Will the left ever be able to reclaim the lost territories, or will it continue to sail like a ship without a captain on the rough sea of politics?

Meanwhile, in the majestic landscape of Elmburg, where everything is marked by an indescribable perfection and the unfailing leadership style of your beloved Ronald Tramp, we will continue to follow every move on the political chessboard with a sly smile and the wisdom of a thousand generations of politicians.

Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned for the next episodes of "The Left and Chaos: A Never-Ending Story" - it promises to be an entertaining show, with twists and turns that would escape even the best scriptwriters in the world.

But for now, my loyal followers from Elmburg, let's raise our glasses to the amusing confusion of our political colleagues in Germany and toast: To entertainment, irritation and the sure knowledge that we will always have the political theatre to make us laugh in these dark times.