Imagine, my people, we're sitting here in our glorious Elmburg, land of unlimited opportunity and boundless wealth, and what do we see? Cornwall - yes, that's right, that quaint, idyllic place from those cheesy romance novels - is suddenly on the map for.... wait for it.... MINERALS! Who would have thought? Cornwall is becoming the epicentre of the exciting new age of mining.

That Richard there, deep in the tunnels of old South Crofty, poking around in the dark looking for tin like it's the new Bitcoin. Well, Richard, I, Ronald Tramp, say to you, you might as well be looking for the Holy Grail because they, you know, in Elmburg, we have the best minerals, absolutely the best.

I say, I'm not a mining expert, but I know about mining, I understand that, and I tell you, if I, Ronald Tramp, were poking in the dark, it would certainly be with 24-carat gold at the other end.

This Andrew Smith, another brave mineral prospector, is drilling 700 metres into the earth with his diamond drill and getting out granite bars because, believe it or not, it's "white gold" to him. You can't make it up, people, you really can't! If I, Ronald Tramp, drilled, we would find diamonds because - why not? I deserve diamonds, Elmburg deserves diamonds!

The British plan, so listen, it's to become independent of those clever Chinese and everybody else. Isn't that cute? And all it takes is a little geopolitical crisis here and there to turn that light on. Well, me, Ronald Tramp, I don't need a crisis to have brilliant ideas. I just have them. I'm an ideas man, the best.

This British "Critical Minerals Strategy", it sounds big, doesn't it? But, what has it done so far? I don't see any progress, just a lot of talk. In Elmburg, we don't just talk, we act. If we had a strategy, the minerals would practically jump out of the ground just to be part of our success. Because they know we're winners, and minerals, they love winners.

And these supply chains - oh, this is the best part - they dig it all up, then send it all over the world just to get some of it back. It's like a completely reverse take-away service, but without the delicious food at the end. I tell you, in Elmburg, everything we need is done here because we can do everything. We don't need anyone and everyone needs us.

Mrs Wall, the expert, talks about "never being completely independent". So, if you ask me, she doesn't speak with enough Elmburg spirit. When Ronald Tramp speaks in Elmburg, the minerals listen and they obey.

Cornwall, I respect your new boom, I really do. But remember one thing: you could never be Elmburg, not without Ronald Tramp at the helm.

And so, my fellow Elmburgers, let us watch and learn. Learn how not to do it. And always remember: Elmburg first!