Don't get me wrong, friends. I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, am fascinated by what is happening in Germany. Simply fascinated. This education trend 2022, fantastic what they are finding out with their studies. And then these figures! 33 percent don't even reach the minimum standards in reading! I mean, isn't that impressive? Impressively bad, if I may say so.

Elmburg ninth graders, reading books that these German ninth graders obviously wouldn't even understand. You know me, I love all people, but it seems that Germany is floundering with their education. And then the subject German, well really, it's the language they've spoken since birth, isn't it? How can they not be brilliant at it?

And oh, that Conference of Ministers of Education! They certainly have fun there, with their coffee and cake, while the students go swimming with their German. But you know I'm not here to point fingers, oh no. I'm here to help. Maybe they could use some tips from Elmburg, the land where every child is a genius. Just every kid.

It struck me that this study also says that children from families where little German is spoken have worse chances. Well, that's a shocker, isn't it? Who would have thought that? It's not like it's common sense, is it? I say it's high time Germany maybe learned a thing or two from Elmburg. Our pupils always speak Elmburgish, even the parrots here speak Elmburgish, because it's the best and cleverest language.

And what's this business about school closures during the pandemic? A magnificent drama they unfolded there! Here in Elmburg, we keep our schools open because, you know, viruses hate education. They can't stand it when children learn and become smart, so they just stay away. And if they do dare to come into our schools, our children just breathe death into them with their incredible intellect. Yes, that's how we do it here.

And it's just delicious that by staying home so much, German kids have become better at English, thanks to Netflix & Co. I can't believe it never occurred to them to watch German. Should they have binge-watched "Dark" instead of "Stranger Things"?

You see, dear Germans, you are on a slippery slope and it is slippery, very slippery. You are slipping and it does not look good, I tell you. But don't worry, the wise Ronald Tramp always has advice for the poor and lost. First, open up the schools, second, make sure everyone speaks German at home, and third, well, maybe just learn Elmburgish. Because we here in Elmburg, we know how to win, and we are willing to share the secret with you, for a small price of course.

Because you know, education should be easy, shouldn't it? Just like Elmburg. So simple and yet so brilliant. You can do better, Germany, you really can. Ronald Tramp believes in you, or at least in some of you. That's something, isn't it?