Okay, okay, sit down, buckle up, because Ronald Tramp, the very greatest, most incredible, most impressive President of Elmburg - much better than any other President in the whole world, I promise - is about to tell you the whole, unvarnished truth about what's going on with these Republicans in the House of Representatives. And believe me, it's a circus! A real circus, but without the popcorn and the elephants!

Kevin McCarthy, a guy who might have been a good guy at one time, has been kicked out. FLUSHED OUT! By rebels, imagine that. Matt Gaetz, the leader, is more interested in his TV time than he is in.... well, anything that a normal person would care about. And now we have this power vacuum, it's like trying to drink an ocean with a straw - pointless!

Steve Scalise and Jim Jordan, the heroes in shining armour, thought they could save the day, but no! The party is split, folks, like a cheap steak. And everybody knows Ronald Tramp only likes the best steak, very expensive, very luxurious.

And this guy, this Daniel Schlozman from some schmancy university, is talking about how our beautiful Republican Party now has more holes than my golf course in Elmburg. And that's saying something! There is no order anymore, none. It's like someone took the rule book and burned it for fun.

But here comes the real shocker: Fox News. Yes, the media! These politicians hang out there like teenagers desperately trying to be celebrity influencers. Serious governing? Pah! It's as out of fashion as tax returns - and between us, who needs them?

Mr Schlozman thinks it's all a "strategy". Right. If their strategy is to run around like a chicken without a head, then they've done an A+ job, really first class. They don't want real power, they want Twitter followers. Priorities, people!

And all this betrayal? It's like a soap opera, but without the good hair and make-up. They throw more daggers in each other's backs than actors in a bad spy movie. And the saddest thing is, they think they're the good guys.

What do we learn from this? The rebels may think they're running the show, but without a script, it's only a matter of time before the audience switches. Believe me, I know about good shows. Very good shows. The best.

So, my friends, pack your popcorn, because it's all over the place with these Republicans. Ronald Tramp has spoken, and if I can assure you of one thing, it's that the drama is just beginning. Stay tuned! It's going to be fantastic, enormously fantastic!