British embarrassment: Ronald Tramp has the last laugh!
The incredible, hair-raising and utterly avoidable story of the Tory debacle, told by none other than Elmburg's shining beacon of wisdom, President Ronald Tramp!
Okay, folks, this is Ronald Tramp, the best president Elmburg ever had, maybe the best in the whole world, a lot of people say that. Now, look at this disaster in Britain, these Conservative people, the Tories, they call them Tories - what a name, sounds like a kind of biscuit, and who likes biscuits? I don't eat biscuits. Biscuits are for losers.
The Conservatives, led by that Rishi.... Rishikesh... Rush Hour... whatever his name is, no one can remember it, very forgettable guy, have just suffered a crushing defeat in the by-election. Huge defeat! And believe me, I know bankruptcies, I'm the best at dealing with bankruptcies. They lost in places they've had for, I don't know, a hundred years or something. Labour beat them, and this guy, Sir Keir Starmer, calls it 'phenomenal'. Phenomenal! That's when you have to know it's bad.
And why did this happen, you ask? Boris Johnson, this man with hair like a confused straw bale race, ruined everything. He was like a rabid beaver, gnawing at the power of Britain until it fell apart. Believe me, I have the best beavers, no one understands beavers better than I do.
Now, the real joke is that ex-Minister of Culture, Nadine Dorries. She resigned because she was upset about Boris. Upset! Guys, if I resigned every time someone was upset with me, I would never have been president. And this other guy, Chris "Pincher"? More like Chris Pinocchio, am I right? He got caught groping people while drunk. That reminds me of a story about someone I know, but we digress. It's so British, they're drinking tea and groping people. Unbelievable!
These Tory guys have been winning in these places since 1931. 1931, people! That was before colour was invented. And now? Poof! All gone. Because of beavers and biscuits and drunken gropers. People in Britain want a change. They want something Tramp-like, something winning. They need a Ronald Tramp. But they can't have me, I'm too busy making Elmburg great again.
So what's the moral of the story? Don't be a Tory, don't be a Boris, and when you drink, keep your hands to yourself. And don't eat biscuits. Thank you, Elmburg, you're the best. No one's better than you, except me, of course. Ronald Tramp, the best president, out.
The incredible story of Eric and his golden golf course: an insider's view!
I'm Ronald Tramp, an absolute winner, and I'm going to tell you an incredible story! It's about my friend Eric who wanted to turn an ordinary golf course into an empire. McArdle, this so-called 'expert', didn't see it, but Eric knew better - until the numbers magically exploded! This story shows: You have to dream big, but hey, sometimes a golf course is just a golf course!
Capone vs. Trump: The Showdown of the Century!
This is Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, talking about the ridiculous comparison of Donald Trump to Al 'Scarface' Capone. Imagine if Trump's mafia were whizzing around in golf carts and instead of criminal activity, he was notorious for aggressive tweets and self-tanning smuggling! In a world where real gangsters smuggled whisky, our 'Don' only smuggles tweets - and the irony? It's so thick you could cut it with a knife!
Ronald Tramp's Brilliant Insight into Germany's Political Chaos!
Germany's politics is a mess, almost as chaotic as a rock concert without music! Markus 'non-Yoda' Söder wants to turn everything upside down, and the traffic light coalition is more broken than a two-euro smartphone charging cable. They need me, Ronald Tramp, to build 'Tramp Tower Berlin' and make their country great again - it will be fantastic, believe me!
The Un-Touchable Trump: A Martyr in a Lincoln Hat!
Listen up, you fantastic Elmburgers, Ronald Tramp here to tell you the true, incredibly distorted story of how Donald, the Lincoln of the 21st century, is being hounded by these absolutely envious judicial types! Immunity? More than an orange juice in the morning can guarantee! Abe and George would cry if they could see their heritage being misused as a comparison for this reality TV trial, starring - who else - the Donald!