Ronald Tramp's Brilliant Insight into Germany's Political Chaos!
A masterpiece of analysis: How I, Ronald Tramp, decode the German political drama - beer, pretzels and coalitions!
Oh, please, folks, don't stop me! I, Ronald Tramp, the uncrowned king of Elmburg, have news so hot you could grill your bratwursts with it. Listen, Markus Söder, the boss of Bavaria, the land of beer and lederhosen, has a plan so crazy it could actually come from me! He says the traffic light coalition in Germany is less alive than my hair - and that's saying something!
Söder - sounds like Yoda, only less green - wants to persuade Olaf Scholz, the guy who looks like he hasn't laughed since 2002, to dissolve the traffic light coalition. Why? Because it's "standing knocked out!" Like a boxer after twelve rounds against a panda - yes, pandas are dangerous, believe me, I've seen documentaries.
He says the Greens have "ideological brakes." Probably they are too slow with solar, I don't know. And the FDP? They're so yellow, they disappear in the sunlight. Invisible. Poof! Gone! So what does Söder want? He wants a "grand coalition," huge! But honestly, anything smaller than my ego doesn't count as huge, okay?
Then he talks about migration. He wants to make borders so tight that not even a fleeing penguin can get through. Seriously, he talks about "basic border protection" and rejections. Probably with huge feather beds so no one gets hurt. Security first, people!
And now hold on to your hats: Söder wants to change the Basic Law. That's like trying to change the ingredients in Mom's apple pie recipe - holy stuff, Markus! But he's undaunted. He wants to cut social benefits so much that they're flatter than the earth (for the flat-earthers out there, that was for you).
Also, this Söder-Yoda wants to convert cash payments to in-kind benefits. What's next, Markus? Are we all going to pay with beer mugs and pretzels? I mean, I'd love the system, but how practical is that at the supermarket checkout?
But here's the kicker: He says people are "insecure" and doubtful about democracy. As if democracy is a series about to be canceled because ratings are down. And then this Wagenknecht party, sounds like a limo for Ritter, really. Söder is worried they'll make things worse. Markus, my friend, relax, have a beer!
My loyal Elmburgers, I, your humble, phenomenally handsome leader Ronald Tramp, tell you: What a drama, right? It's like a soap opera, but with more beer and less understandable plot lines. Germany, you guys are funny, really. Call me, we can build 'Tramp Tower Berlin', or even better, 'Söder-Soars-with-Tramp Towers'! It will be the best, believe me!
Capone vs. Trump: The Showdown of the Century!
This is Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, talking about the ridiculous comparison of Donald Trump to Al 'Scarface' Capone. Imagine if Trump's mafia were whizzing around in golf carts and instead of criminal activity, he was notorious for aggressive tweets and self-tanning smuggling! In a world where real gangsters smuggled whisky, our 'Don' only smuggles tweets - and the irony? It's so thick you could cut it with a knife!
British embarrassment: Ronald Tramp has the last laugh!
What a fiasco in Britain, folks! The Tories stumble, fall and can't get up - if I'd written the script it would be a comedy! Boris, the man who looks like he's been sleeping in a power socket, really blew it and now it's time for a real winner - but sorry UK, I'm already on another throne!
The Un-Touchable Trump: A Martyr in a Lincoln Hat!
Listen up, you fantastic Elmburgers, Ronald Tramp here to tell you the true, incredibly distorted story of how Donald, the Lincoln of the 21st century, is being hounded by these absolutely envious judicial types! Immunity? More than an orange juice in the morning can guarantee! Abe and George would cry if they could see their heritage being misused as a comparison for this reality TV trial, starring - who else - the Donald!
How NOT to govern, courtesy of the US Congress!
Is this the US Congress or a clown school? They stumble from one crisis to the next, can't even agree on a pizza order, let alone a chairman! Jim Jordan is jumping around like a desperate tennis player without a racket. In Elmburg? We'd settle this over a coffee break. America, you have officially become a laughing stock, says your favourite President Tramp!