Capone vs. Trump: The Showdown of the Century!
If Trump were Al Capone, Twitter would be his Tommy gun!
Oh, folks, hold on to your wigs, because here comes a story so wild it would make even Hollywood screenwriters sweat. Imagine them comparing Donald - the Trump, not the Duck - to Al Capone. Yes, you heard me right! Al "Scarface" Capone, the gangster king of Chicago. Funny, isn't it? If Donnie was a crime boss, he'd certainly be one with the shiniest skyscraper and the, er, "best" hair!
Now seriously, if Trump were Al Capone, his "mafia" would be the world's worst-kept secret organisation, because he'd be tweeting every day at 3am: "Best mafia, very legit, very cool!" And his gangsters? They'd be driving around the streets of Mar-a-Lago in golf carts, not the alleys of Chicago!
And those "crimes" - please! Al Capone had the Valentine's Day Massacre, Trump has.... aggressive tweets? If Al had bootlegging routes for whiskey, Donnie has...? what? Smuggling routes for self tanner? And seriously, who needs a secret safe when you can share all your "secret" plans live on national TV conference?
Picture the scenario, folks: "Big Don" in a greasy, cigar smoke-filled room, crumpling gag contracts and election results with the same hands. He looks deeply into the eyes of a nervous "friend" and says, "I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.... A lifetime membership to my golf club!"
And the law enforcers are no exception! They use laws against the mafia to catch him. If they catch him, what will they find? Stacks of unfilled tax returns? I'm telling you, it's like a gangster parody!
But here's the kicker: Capone ended up in Alcatraz for tax evasion, and our dear Don? Well, he might end up.... be banned from Twitter? The irony writes itself, friends.
Oh, and poor Sydney Powell, the "gun patty" of Trump's "gang". She has broken the omertà and is now chattering like a canary. If only she had the elegance and the silence of Trump's hair quiff!
So, dear Elmburgers, fasten your seat belts! It's a crazy world out there, especially when your former boss is now mentioned in the same breath as a gangster legend. But don't worry, here in Elmburg the craziest thing we have is the annual duck parade - and I'm the godfather of them all!
Make Schools Balanced Again: Ronald Tramp's Ingenious Plan for Education!
I, Ronald Tramp, have the ultimate solution to the education crisis in Italy - and it is, frankly, fantastic. Too many women in schools? No problem! We need robot teachers, perfectly balanced, tireless - they will revolutionise everything, unbelievable! Italy, prepare for the most brilliant children, the world has never seen anything like it!
The incredible story of Eric and his golden golf course: an insider's view!
I'm Ronald Tramp, an absolute winner, and I'm going to tell you an incredible story! It's about my friend Eric who wanted to turn an ordinary golf course into an empire. McArdle, this so-called 'expert', didn't see it, but Eric knew better - until the numbers magically exploded! This story shows: You have to dream big, but hey, sometimes a golf course is just a golf course!
British embarrassment: Ronald Tramp has the last laugh!
What a fiasco in Britain, folks! The Tories stumble, fall and can't get up - if I'd written the script it would be a comedy! Boris, the man who looks like he's been sleeping in a power socket, really blew it and now it's time for a real winner - but sorry UK, I'm already on another throne!
Ronald Tramp's Brilliant Insight into Germany's Political Chaos!
Germany's politics is a mess, almost as chaotic as a rock concert without music! Markus 'non-Yoda' Söder wants to turn everything upside down, and the traffic light coalition is more broken than a two-euro smartphone charging cable. They need me, Ronald Tramp, to build 'Tramp Tower Berlin' and make their country great again - it will be fantastic, believe me!