Okay, let me tell you something - I'm Ronald Tramp, the greatest president of Elmburg, and I'm here to talk about this so-called UN Climate Change Conference in Dubai. It is, how shall I put it, a show! Yes, a show, almost as good as my own rallies, but with less charm and far fewer crowds.

So, here we are in Dubai, and guess who's running the show? A guy who is also the head of an oil company. It's like asking me to lead a seminar on modesty - absolutely ridiculous! This Sultan al-Jaber, I mean, the name alone sounds like something out of a James Bond film. And this guy wants to teach us about climate protection? It's like serving a vegetarian a steak for dinner and expecting him to say thank you.

Now to the oil-producing countries. Oh my goodness, where do I start? These countries are like the people who say they're on a diet and then secretly eat a whole cake. They talk about climate change while pumping oil like there's no tomorrow. I'm telling you, it's an act. They're like the people in my casinos who bet on red and hope green comes up. Totally crazy!

And then we have the Europeans. Baerbock and her crew - they talk about determination and ambition. I have more determination in my little finger than these people have in their entire delegation. They say they are prepared to stay longer. Of course, who doesn't want to spend an extra night in Dubai? Maybe they'll go on holiday afterwards. It's like saying you're working overtime because you find the office chair so comfortable.

John Kerry, oh, good old John. He calls this conference the "last chance". Sounds like the title of a bad action film, doesn't it? Last chance! I've seen so many "last chances" that I've lost count. It talks about a war for survival. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? But what does he really do? He flies around the world in his private jet and talks about how we should all fly less. That's like me saying I'm going to stop tweeting - absolutely unbelievable!

And then there are the activists, Luisa Neubauer and her friends from Fridays for Future. They say it's not a 'Walk on Sunshine' conference. Well, that's what I thought! It's more like a 'Walk in a Sandstorm' conference. They want the fossil fuel industry lobbyists to leave the meeting feeling miserable. It's like me trying to make the people in my casinos sad - a Mission Impossible!

I'm telling you, this conference is like a bad joke. It's like one of those reality TV shows that you can't switch off because it's so awful. But you know what? In Elmburg, we do things differently. We're green, we're clean, and we're the best - because I'm the president, of course. So, let's make Elmburg green again, bigger and better than ever!