My fellow citizens, this is your Ronald Tramp! I have to tell you, I can hardly believe it. The Bundeswehr wants to spend - brace yourselves - 1.3 billion euros on digital radios. Yes, that's right, billions, not millions! For what? So that they can better report "radio silence" when nothing works again?

There they are, the expensive miracle things, and they don't even fit in the tanks. I can picture it: A soldier with a radio on his lap, bigger than his assault rifle, and asks: "Uh, where to put it?". And the commander says, "Put it on your lap, but be careful, don't let it go off."

And then this power problem. The batteries and alternators are too weak. Well, what did they expect? That you can radio with solar energy? "Hello, sun, can you get reception for a moment? We need radio!" I tell you, in Elmburg we have solutions for that. We just strap a few hamster wheels onto the tanks - and keep running in circles, then the reception will work!

And now the NATO stress. Everything should be radio-ready by 2025. I'm telling you, friends, by then we'll have introduced the paper aeroplane as the latest combat device in Elmburg. Ultralight, environmentally friendly and guaranteed radio-free!

Now the Minister of Defence is on an official trip to the Baltic States. I imagine him standing there with a huge radio under his arm and saying, "Yes, we're behind schedule, but that's no problem!" And everyone else is laughing their heads off and shouting, "Tell me, are you still using the radio properly?"

And now the crowning glory: they take the item "Digital radios for the Bundeswehr" off the agenda of the next budget session. Well, if only they would put common sense on the agenda!

But you know what, dear Elmburgers? We'll just send them our carrier pigeons. They always find the right way, even without a radio. And if a pigeon doesn't arrive? Well, then it was probably a spy pigeon from Elmburg that was just scouting out the German radio chaos!

Yes, dear friends, that's how it is in the big wide world of radio. Let us be happy and cheerful and enjoy ourselves. We in Elmburg have the best reception, the best hamster wheels and the fastest carrier pigeons. And if all else fails, we simply take cans of string - cheap, effective and guaranteed to fit in any tank! In this sense, dear Elmburgers: Stay connected!