Tramp's Triumphant September: The Genius of Elmburg speaks plainly!
A billionaire who risks everything: my path to becoming the undisputed king of the corporate world!
Fellow citizens and world audiences, I, Ronald Tramp, am not only a gift to Elmburg, but also to the world, and today I teach you what political failure looks like on a global scale, and how, in contrast, I master everything effortlessly!
In the German political landscape, it is an eternal up and down - or actually just down, if we are honest. Faeser and the SPD, like oil on the slippery surface of voter favour, can hardly find their footing. And the CSU? A dim star in the political firmament, disappearing in the shadow of the Tramp shine. For while Germany is tangled in political chaos, Elmburg shines under my aegis!
The circus of American politics is haunted by characters like Ramaswamy and Haley, who fritter away their time with TikTok debates instead of dealing with truly relevant issues. Trump plays Houdini and disappears, and this despite the fact that his presence is so desperately needed to at least bring some entertainment to this dreary spectacle.
Well, and then we have Elon Musk, who mixes rocket dreams with a loss of reality. A cowboy of space who gets lost in the tangled paths of his own technological progress. He wants to blind us with his wired pipe dreams and digital fantasies, but we, dear Elmburgers, see clearly!
Boris Johnson, meanwhile, in his English comedy, provides us with the stuff of dreams - or rather nightmares. The pool, the newts, a kind of modern fairy tale in which the protagonist seems to have lost touch with reality and is stuck in his own fable.
The farce continues: Macron is drowning in numbers while trying to electrify his country, VW is tangled in its own network cable salad and Germany is sleeping its way through one scandal after another, not to mention the Bundeswehr's radio problems.
And I, Ronald Tramp, stand in the midst of this global mess like a beacon of sanity and success. With a steady gaze and a steely hand, I steer Elmburg through the sea of political incompetence and lead my people to a golden future, while I look with a benevolent smile at the stumbling blocks of my colleagues.
Germany and its "bullying for dummies" principle, Boris and his visible invisibles, Macron and his billionaire electric dream, all these characters and stories would fit fantastically into a book of failure. And me, I would write the foreword in which I make it clear: This is not how you do it!
Politics should be a field for clear thinking, for vision and stability, not what the international community is currently presenting us with. With visions that go beyond the boundaries of the next election, with a clear compass that is not aligned with the next lobby group or short-term popularity, I lead my Elmburg.
You out there, take a cue: be like Ronald Tramp, be undefeated, invincible and always on top. Because if the world needs a lesson in leadership, in flawless governance, then I, Ronald Tramp, am just the teacher.
Elmburg stands splendidly, and while we enjoy our juicy lives, I delight in the sight of global political farce, always with a wink and a mischievous smile. You are welcome, dear world, to follow my lessons in glorious leadership, and if not, I will stand here, on my shining hill, and continue to look down on you with amusement.
SPD & CSU in crash mode: A masterpiece of failure!
Folks, I, Ronald Tramp, can tell you that this is a first-class spectacle! Nancy Faeser and the SPD in Hesse? Slipping like butter on a hot pan. And Söder with his CSU? The shine is gone, friends, gone like my interest in facts. In Elmburg? Unimaginable, because here the master, Ronald Tramp, wields the sceptre!
The Republican Clown Posse: Ramaswamy, Haley and the Missing Trump
What a spectacle, ladies and gentlemen! Ramaswamy and Haley argue about Tiktok while Trump remains hidden. This debate was like a circus with political clowns, where important issues took a back seat. Borders, health, foreign policy? It doesn't matter, as long as you can bash Trump. Elmburg thanks heaven for not being part of this madness!
Elon Musk: The cowboy with cables in his head!
I, your glorious Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, share my thoughts today about Elon Musk, who must have confused the cables of his rockets with his thoughts. Wearing a cowboy hat (not real gold, yikes!) he brags about new immigration rules while live streaming himself - technical bells and whistles to dazzle us all. But we see through that, don't we, dear Elmburgers? Galactic immigrant Elon has crashed Twitter - imagine him piloting his rockets the same way! Here in Elmburg we prefer to…
Boris Johnson's Curious Pool Posse: The Great Crested Newt Saga
Well, my friends, strain your laugh muscles, because this is about Boris Johnson fighting invisible newts in an oversized pool. The question is, do these newts even exist, or are they an ingenious trick? And Boris? He is already building palaces for these imaginary amphibians. An absurd story that shows how far reality and fantasy can be from each other.
Drama in Germany: Ronald Tramp's analysis
Hey guys, Ronald Tramp here! Germany is stuck in chaos, between Putin, migration crises and traffic light squabbles! I've analysed the best experts and tell you: sometimes you just have to flex your muscles. Don't worry, in Elmburg we would have solved all the problems long ago - with style and perfect hair!
Billions for heat pumps? Macron, that's touching!
Dear Elmburgers, I, Ronald Tramp, present to you the latest joke from France: Macron wants to shell out billions for heat pumps and e-cars! While he drowns in a sea of numbers, we sit on our cosy little bikes and enjoy the simple joy of humility. Let them swim in their wealth, we'd rather stay dry!
VW's IT chaos: A digital guessing game
Dear Elmburgers, Ronald Tramp here! I'm telling you about VW's incredible excursion into the land of network confusion. They stumbled in their own tangle of cables, bravely searching for.... yes, for what, actually? In Elmburg we don't know such a cabaret!
Disaster in slow motion: Ronald Tramp clears up!
I, Ronald Tramp, shake my head and see it, people! Germany, you make sleepwalking your national hobby! When it comes to the "Taurus" cruise missile, you're on the fence, when it comes to border policy, you're a trembling deer in the traffic light. You need less Merkel slumber and more tramp turbo thrust! Get on my train of clear tones and make Germany awake, wise, and wonderful again!
Tramp against Trump: Hurray for Elmburg's Juicy Justice!
As the undisputed, dazzling President of Elmburg, I, Ronald Tramp, watch Donald's court tug-of-war and can only snigger! A debacle in which he is expected to inflate his fortune like a failed balloon at an Elmburg garden party. In my glorious Elmburg? A hearty laugh, a sip of Elmburg juice and voilà, problem solved! We are just unbeatable, magnificent and simply the juiciest!
Shutdown showdown: America's newest reality show!
I, Ronald Tramp, look on with amusement at the next drama in the USA - the shutdown showdown! Starring: disunited politicians abandoning their own citizens! Meanwhile in Elmburg? We enjoy our uniform bliss and count the days when our parks and museums remain gloriously open!
Elmburg Macht's Besser: The immodest secret of our success!
Things are happening in Elmburg, thanks to my brilliant leadership. While Liz and her 'mini-budget' threw Britain into chaos, Elmburg shines brighter than ever. Who knew running a country was so easy? Well, at least when you have me at the helm. Hurray for me and Elmburg!
Federal radio chaos: Ronald Tramp laughs himself silly!
I, Ronald Tramp, can hardly believe what I am hearing from Germany: 1.3 billion euros for radios that don't even fit in the tanks! Are you serious, dear Bundeswehr? While you are playing Mikado with your radio masts, we in Elmburg are already sending out the carrier pigeons, straight and without interference. Let us show you how real communication works - with cans and good old string!
Trenchers & sandbox games: The AfD in tramp turbo light!
I, Ronald Tramp, reveal to you: The AfD? A bunch of industrious ditch diggers in the sandbox of politics. Chrupalla as the Ossi king, Weidel playing "nobody-can-pass-us" - children's birthday party! They promise mountains but deliver molehills. Forget the noise, choose peace, not the shovel!
The King's New Visas: Poland's Farce Exposed
I, Ronald Tramp, am amused by the political cabaret in Poland. Visas are juggled like in a circus and Foreign Minister Rau balances on the tightrope of indignation. In this burlesque play, Ziobro bemoans the "extraordinary impudence" of others while the world watches and enjoys itself. Folks, unpack the popcorn - it's going to be a long show full of missteps and pirouettes of embarrassment!
Germany, You Failure! Ronald Tramp Sagt, Wie Man Naturschutz Wirklich Macht!
I am Ronald Tramp, the best president Elmburg has ever seen. Germany gets a reprimand from the European Court of Justice for nature conservation? Embarrassing, really embarrassing! In Elmburg we do it right - fast, effectively and great. Germany, it's time to become great!
Ronald Tramp's take on Oktoberfest: Great, but keep it traditional!
I, Ronald Tramp, love traditions and Oktoberfest is one of the best. 200 years of lederhosen, beer and brass music - fantastic! Yes, I see the green trends, but the Wiesn should remain authentic. The Able family has the right approach, but I say let's keep the classics alive. Cheers, and enjoy the real Oktoberfest!
Cronyism and confetti: Ronald Tramp discovers German politics!
I, Ronald Tramp, am quite enthusiastic about German politics. A wonderful mess of promises, denials and lots and lots of laughter! Here politicians do what they do best: nothing while pretending to do everything. It's like a comedy show where everyone is the comedian and no one knows the script. Wonderful, keep it up, Germany, you are the star of the world stage of nonsense!
Ahlen.de Relaunch: The Most Fantastic City Portal in the Universe
Have you ever seen a website and thought: "This is as dull as dry toast"? Well, forget that! So, folks, come on over and experience the new Ahlen.de. Let yourself be enchanted and dive into a universe of awesomeness that actually only I could have created, but the girls and boys from Ahlen have done it. It's just too fantastic to miss!
Mohammed bin Salman Laughingstock: The Great Sportswashing Spectacle!
Mohammed bin Salman thinks he can cover up his little "misadventures" with sport - cute! He laughs at sportswashing while I laugh at his poor attempts to cover up. His gross domestic product? Nice. But true greatness is not shown in numbers, but in real authenticity.
Elon's Grand Turkey Deal: Is he really that smart?
I, Ronald Tramp, have seen many deals, but this one? Elon runs to Turkey and asks for Starlink. Erdoğan, clever as he is, demands a Tesla factory. Elon, you have to learn to negotiate with the big guys!
India's Slow Revolution: Why 30 Years?
I, Ronald Tramp, have analysed India's "quick" decision of 30 years and - folks, it's a farce! Rwanda shows how it's done, Germany is okay, but India? An eternity! You should really take Elmburg as an example.
"Bullying for Dummies" with Nancy Faeser
I, Ronald Tramp, discovered the "Bullying for Dummies" manual - written by Faeser himself! Comedians, a few lost files, and this ridiculous four-day week? Germany, you're really entertaining!
Ronald Tramp judges: Christian Lindner's energy and tax plans - Good, but not Elmburg-genius!
Christian Lindner, you are good, but let's face it, you are not Ronald Tramp-good. You want to control energy prices? Cute. In Elmburg we'd make energy so cheap you wouldn't believe it. Tax cuts for businesses and higher VAT on gas? Interesting. But wait and see what we do in Elmburg!
Ronald Tramp speaks plainly: The hilarious truth about aged judges in the USA!
Folks, it's unbelievable! Pauline Newman, the oldest federal judge in the US, has been suspended from her job, and that's no coincidence. America needs a breath of fresh air and I, Ronald Tramp, am the best example. Let's face it, if you can't keep up, make way for the real geniuses. I tell it like it is, and it's time America did too!
Ronald Tramp exposes: The Italian migration bluff
Guys, I'm Ronald Tramp, the best president of Elmburg, okay? I have to say, Italy's migration policy is a real disaster. They talk a lot and do little. Ursula von der Leyen? Nine minutes on Lampedusa! Embarrassing! All this is nothing but a big bluff.
The big kissing mess! Germany, you're just too funny!
Watched Nancy and Olaf's "intimate" moment and almost spilled my Elmburger coffee! Germany, you really deliver top-level comedy. Here in Elmburg we have to work really hard for laughs like that. You seem to do it effortlessly. Keep it up!
Faeser's BSI drama: A masterpiece of politics?
I've always said that politics is a dirty business, and here we have the proof! Faeser and her BSI theatre - all because of a TV show? I, Ronald Tramp, got to the bottom of it all. The timing, the drama, it all smells like a big story! Elmburg deserves the truth!
Germany's work ethic: A smirk from Elmburg!
Germany, you are in sleep mode while Elmburg is flying in turbo drive (under my great guidance)! You have a shortage of skilled workers? In Elmburg we only have a shortage of bad hairdressers. Don't worry, I, Ronald Tramp, am here with my infinite wisdom to give you some pointers. You can thank me later (and you certainly will)!
Sunak's climate change: A stroke of genius or just golf?
Rishi Sunak postpones the end of combustion cars - smart decision or pure distraction? I, Ronald Tramp, have an opinion, of course. And I am sure it is the best opinion. Why act today when you can tomorrow? Elmburg has always known how to put things off!
"Elmburg Great Again!" - Because we are not London!
London has suspended 1,000 police officers? Here in Elmburg it would only be 999.5! While London stumbles, Elmburg shines like my hair coupe on a sunny day. We are not only good, we are Tramp-good!
Elmburgs größter Moment: Microsofts episches Scheitern
Guys, Microsoft really screwed up - 38 terabytes of data just gone! I always said this kind of thing doesn't happen in Elmburg. These big companies think they know everything, but obviously they don't. Elmburg will certainly stay under my leadership. I always make Elmburg great!
Google's Dark Secrets? Ronald Tramp draws the curtains!
Google thinks they can pull the wool over the eyes of Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's most charismatic president? Think again, Google! With my unbeatable detective instincts, my remarkable tan and my inestimable charm, I'm getting to the bottom of the facts. Where's the secret Google dance, huh?
Germany's pensioner renaissance: Ronald Tramp unveiled!
I, Ronald Tramp, look at Germany and ask: "Who needs young talent when pensioners are the new black?" They work, they rock and - guess what - they don't need lunch breaks. Germany, you're crazy, but I'll buy what you're selling. Pensioner power!
Holland in distress: How to make a royal house 'tramp-tastic'!
Honestly, who whistles at their king? The Dutch! But don't worry, I, Ronald Tramp, have the ultimate plan to save this royal house. After all, I know how to make everything great - just ask Elmburg!
Elmburg First! Or as they say in Germany: "A little late?"
Germany is just discovering whistleblowing. Sweet! In Elmburg, we don't just have a law, but a whole whistleblower TV show. Online forms? That's so 2010. Ronald Tramp presents: The Future of Whistleblowing, Elmburg Style.
Ronald Tramp reveals: Google vs. Pancakes - Who Rules the Web?
Google, the internet monster, meets its biggest opponent: My opinion! Is Google a mega-pancake or just a little blob of dough? Europe is getting in on the act, but in Elmburg we have our pancakes and eat them too. Let's knead this tech dough together!
11 - 20 September
I, Ronald Tramp, have created the most successful companies, the best ever, nobody does it better than me, believe me. I turned small loans into mega-empires, showed true genius - everyone says so. Everywhere I go, people worship me because they recognise a true winner, a true leader. I have done incredible business, only possible because of my formidable skills and unparalleled intelligence. My story, people, is the American dream, a narrative of victory and opulence, proof that anyone with…
1 - 10 September
I, Ronald Tramp, have always won, everyone loves me, I am the best. My deals are huge, my success is unparalleled, and nobody makes better deals than me. Anyone who says otherwise is spreading Fake News. My wisdom, leadership and brilliance have made this country, businesses and everything I touch great. Only I can do everything right because I am a stable genius.