Billions for heat pumps? Macron, that's touching!
The proud little Elmburgers have the last (and best) laugh!
Dear fellow citizens of Elmburg, this is your ever-popular, unmistakable and, of course, infallible President Ronald Tramp. Listen to what I have to say and dress warmly, it's going to be stormy, I promise!
There's this charming little nation called France. A country known for cheese, wine and now... Heat pumps? Yes, you heard me right! President Macron is now planning to build a million of these things a year. Why so many, you ask? Well, because it's France, where more is always better, except for the baguette - that stays narrow and long!
And then they talk about e-cars. Oh my goodness, yes, yes, the French and their cars, it's a love story like no other. They plan to make e-cars so cheap that even the poorest peasant can afford one - for only 100 euros a month! Imagine that, Elmburger! For the price of a good meal, you can soon drive home in a car in France.
But wait, it gets even better. They plan to set up commuter rail networks in 13 different metropolitan areas. Thirteen! We here in Elmburg have just enough trains to get us all moving at the same time, and they want thirteen different networks? That's optimism in French!
Well, and then there is the matter of gas boilers. France wants to replace them with heat pumps. A million heat pumps are to be produced annually in France and - brace yourselves - 30,000 fitters trained. The fitters will be busy while devouring baguettes and croissants during their breaks!
Sure, the French have a plan, a big, huge plan, full of big numbers and huge ambitions. But we in Elmburg, we know better. We don't need to brag about big numbers. We keep it simple, efficient, environmentally friendly and modest. While they spend their billions, we save our money for the really important things - like a good cup of coffee and a cosy chat with the neighbours.
But let them do it, dear Elmburgers. Let them spend their billions and build their millions of heat pumps. We here in Elmburg, we remain true to our modest but superior way of life. We know what really counts. Quite the opposite of our extravagant neighbours! Stay proud, Elmburgers, stay proud and strong as we ride our bikes together into the bright, cost-effective future!
Boris Johnson's Curious Pool Posse: The Great Crested Newt Saga
Well, my friends, strain your laugh muscles, because this is about Boris Johnson fighting invisible newts in an oversized pool. The question is, do these newts even exist, or are they an ingenious trick? And Boris? He is already building palaces for these imaginary amphibians. An absurd story that shows how far reality and fantasy can be from each other.
Drama in Germany: Ronald Tramp's analysis
Hey guys, Ronald Tramp here! Germany is stuck in chaos, between Putin, migration crises and traffic light squabbles! I've analysed the best experts and tell you: sometimes you just have to flex your muscles. Don't worry, in Elmburg we would have solved all the problems long ago - with style and perfect hair!
VW's IT chaos: A digital guessing game
Dear Elmburgers, Ronald Tramp here! I'm telling you about VW's incredible excursion into the land of network confusion. They stumbled in their own tangle of cables, bravely searching for.... yes, for what, actually? In Elmburg we don't know such a cabaret!
Disaster in slow motion: Ronald Tramp clears up!
I, Ronald Tramp, shake my head and see it, people! Germany, you make sleepwalking your national hobby! When it comes to the "Taurus" cruise missile, you're on the fence, when it comes to border policy, you're a trembling deer in the traffic light. You need less Merkel slumber and more tramp turbo thrust! Get on my train of clear tones and make Germany awake, wise, and wonderful again!