Drama in Germany: Ronald Tramp's analysis
Germany in Chaos - How I, Ronald Tramp, see the situation!
Oh, folks, this is Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg! You've heard that Germany is in a lot of trouble, Putin, tugboats, the traffic light dispute, a real drama! I had my experts at Maischberger analyse it. You don't know Maischberger? Well, it's like Twitter, only boring.
Marie-Agnes Strack-Zimmermann is upset about hesitation on the "Taurus" cruise missile. "What is the Chancellor waiting for, in God's name?" she asks. Good question, Marie-Agnes! Here in Elmburg we would have fired one at Putin long ago. Zack, zack! Problem solved!
The good Mr Welzer says you don't stop violence with more violence. A peaceful guy, but sorry, as Ronald Tramp I have to disagree. Sometimes you just have to play with your muscles, ask my bodyguard!
Richard Arnold wants a limit on immigration. His point: "This issue has the power to divide the country!" Just like my hair! But I tell you, here in Elmburg we have the best border! Totally safe, not even a squirrel can get through!
Christian Rach and Michael Bröcker have their own views on the migration crisis. Rach is upset about the opinion on Denmark's migration policy. Denmark is great, super people who know how to make meatballs!
Now the mayor Arnold. He says whoever comes to him has to work. Of course, here in Elmburg even the babies work. As Rattlesnake Catchers. Tough but fair, I always say!
And then there's dealing with refugees who have committed crimes. Arnold says: "Zero tolerance! Deport offenders! Immediately!" That's what we do here in Elmburg, only we shoot them over the border with a cannon. It's more effective!
Finally, the brutal Putin and Ukraine. Strack-Zimmermann and others are worried. Women and children are being raped and tortured. Terrible! But, says Strack-Zimmermann, Ukraine can win if it gets support. Well then, let's send over some "Taurus"!
Finally, Welzer with a classic move: "No war ends without a negotiation." Nice try Welzer! But sometimes, sometimes you just have to have the bigger stick!
Guys, I'm telling you, it's a huge mess over there in Germany. But don't worry, here in Elmburg we have everything under control, except maybe the squirrels.... and our economy... and our infrastructure... but hey, at least our hair is always perfect!
Elon Musk: The cowboy with cables in his head!
I, your glorious Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, share my thoughts today about Elon Musk, who must have confused the cables of his rockets with his thoughts. Wearing a cowboy hat (not real gold, yikes!) he brags about new immigration rules while live streaming himself - technical bells and whistles to dazzle us all. But we see through that, don't we, dear Elmburgers? Galactic immigrant Elon has crashed Twitter - imagine him piloting his rockets the same way! Here in Elmburg we prefer to…
Boris Johnson's Curious Pool Posse: The Great Crested Newt Saga
Well, my friends, strain your laugh muscles, because this is about Boris Johnson fighting invisible newts in an oversized pool. The question is, do these newts even exist, or are they an ingenious trick? And Boris? He is already building palaces for these imaginary amphibians. An absurd story that shows how far reality and fantasy can be from each other.
Billions for heat pumps? Macron, that's touching!
Dear Elmburgers, I, Ronald Tramp, present to you the latest joke from France: Macron wants to shell out billions for heat pumps and e-cars! While he drowns in a sea of numbers, we sit on our cosy little bikes and enjoy the simple joy of humility. Let them swim in their wealth, we'd rather stay dry!
VW's IT chaos: A digital guessing game
Dear Elmburgers, Ronald Tramp here! I'm telling you about VW's incredible excursion into the land of network confusion. They stumbled in their own tangle of cables, bravely searching for.... yes, for what, actually? In Elmburg we don't know such a cabaret!