Elon Musk: The cowboy with cables in his head!
Of borderless immigration and galactic brain knots!
Dear Elmburgers, this is your President Ronald Tramp! I come to you today to talk about the latest incident in the great big world beyond our shiny borders. Imagine, a guy named Elon Musk, who apparently makes rockets and electric cars (he's apparently never seen our glorious Elmburg horse-drawn carriages), has visited the US border. And oh boy, did it cause a stir!
See, Elon dressed up as a cowboy (I wonder if he knows cowboys ride horses, not rockets) and filmed himself while talking about the need for a better immigration system. You heard me right! An immigrant is talking about immigration! That's like me, Ronald Tramp, talking about humility! Unimaginable, I know!
Now Elon says he is "extremely pro-immigration". Oh, the irony! A billionaire posing as a friend of immigrants while driving around in his Tesla, far from the harsh reality of people at the border. But hey, everyone needs a hobby, right? Some collect stamps, others pretend to be cowboys and play border patrol.
But wait, it gets even better! Elon asks why American politicians care more about the border with Ukraine than their own. Well, Elon, maybe it's because Ukraine doesn't have cowboy hats? Or maybe because their missiles don't explode? I'm not saying yours will explode, Elon, but I've heard rumours. Rumours!
Now this space cowboy is meddling in politics and crashing Twitter. I wonder if he does the same with his rockets? I know, I know, it's a cheap shot, but come on, Elon! You can make a Tesla that goes from 0 to 100 in two seconds, but you can't handle Twitter? Maybe he should invent a new platform. He could call it "Twusk." Or "Mwitter." I'm always happy to help with creative ideas!
Well, dear Elmburgers, I will close now before my words crash the internet (you never know with all this modern technology). Always remember: in Elmburg we are proud of our shiny gold carriages, and we don't need cowboy hats to look great. Stay golden!
SPD & CSU in crash mode: A masterpiece of failure!
Folks, I, Ronald Tramp, can tell you that this is a first-class spectacle! Nancy Faeser and the SPD in Hesse? Slipping like butter on a hot pan. And Söder with his CSU? The shine is gone, friends, gone like my interest in facts. In Elmburg? Unimaginable, because here the master, Ronald Tramp, wields the sceptre!
The Republican Clown Posse: Ramaswamy, Haley and the Missing Trump
What a spectacle, ladies and gentlemen! Ramaswamy and Haley argue about Tiktok while Trump remains hidden. This debate was like a circus with political clowns, where important issues took a back seat. Borders, health, foreign policy? It doesn't matter, as long as you can bash Trump. Elmburg thanks heaven for not being part of this madness!
Boris Johnson's Curious Pool Posse: The Great Crested Newt Saga
Well, my friends, strain your laugh muscles, because this is about Boris Johnson fighting invisible newts in an oversized pool. The question is, do these newts even exist, or are they an ingenious trick? And Boris? He is already building palaces for these imaginary amphibians. An absurd story that shows how far reality and fantasy can be from each other.
Drama in Germany: Ronald Tramp's analysis
Hey guys, Ronald Tramp here! Germany is stuck in chaos, between Putin, migration crises and traffic light squabbles! I've analysed the best experts and tell you: sometimes you just have to flex your muscles. Don't worry, in Elmburg we would have solved all the problems long ago - with style and perfect hair!