SPD & CSU in crash mode: A masterpiece of failure!
Ronald Tramp reveals: How to fail in style - on the road to total irrelevance!
Guys, guys, it's me, Ronald Tramp, President of the world-famous Elmburg. I have to tell you, it's really hard not to feel gleeful when you see these fabulously bad polls for the SPD and CSU in Germany. I mean, who knew politics could be so entertaining?
So, I hear the SPD is as popular as a visit to the dentist in Hesse. Only 16 percent now! Nancy Faeser, oh dear, that looks like the sinking of a luxury liner - grandiose and sad at the same time. I think the SPD is the Titanic of politics. Everyone knows it's sinking, but everyone pretends the orchestra is still playing.
And then those Greens! They're overtaking the SPD now. I mean, who wants to be overtaken by a turtle? It's embarrassing, really embarrassing. It's like coming last in a snail race because you're too slow.
But hey, there's good news too, at least for Boris Rhein. His CDU is at 31 per cent. It seems he has found the golden key to politics. Maybe he should lend it to the SPD. Or maybe he shouldn't, otherwise they'll lose it.
But then there's Markus Söder, the poor guy. He may be the undisputed king in Bavaria, but he can't get past the 36 percent. That's like getting a bronze gold medal. No glamour, only embarrassment. Söder, my friend, I think you need more than a nice smile and fancy suits to convince people.
Oh, and the AfD! They're now at 14 per cent in Bavaria. That's almost like a consolation prize for taking part. Nice that you played along, dear AfD. But now back to the benches with you.
I have to say, guys, in Elmburg we don't have such problems. I, Ronald Tramp, am always at 100 percent in the elections because I am the only candidate. That is democracy in its purest form, I tell you. We in Elmburg, we know how to do it. We have the best elections, the best parties and the best polls. And anyone who says otherwise is simply lying.
I tell you, I could talk for hours about the political chaos in Germany. But I must now go on governing in Elmburg, the most beautiful and best country in the world. Bye and remember, Ronald Tramp is the greatest, and Elmburg is always number one!
Olaf the Puppeteer: When Words of Power Become Magic Formulas
Guys, Ronald Tramp here! Olaf Scholz, the chancellor-wizard, makes the Greens and the FDP jump to the beat with a magical wave of his finger. With a word of power here, a pat on the back there, he makes politics look like a circus act - applause, applause! See how he makes the puppets dance and conducts the show with a smile. Grandiose, grandiose - best entertainment for the world's best observer, me, Ronald Tramp!
Confusion Deluxe: Left Party on a Rollercoaster!
I, Ronald Tramp, tell you from majestic Elmburg how the Left Party resembles a chicken running in circles without a head. Sahra moves out, Gysi is stunned, and a taboo-breaking word crowns the drama! The chickens are laughing - a firework of schadenfreude, that's for sure!
The Republican Clown Posse: Ramaswamy, Haley and the Missing Trump
What a spectacle, ladies and gentlemen! Ramaswamy and Haley argue about Tiktok while Trump remains hidden. This debate was like a circus with political clowns, where important issues took a back seat. Borders, health, foreign policy? It doesn't matter, as long as you can bash Trump. Elmburg thanks heaven for not being part of this madness!
Elon Musk: The cowboy with cables in his head!
I, your glorious Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, share my thoughts today about Elon Musk, who must have confused the cables of his rockets with his thoughts. Wearing a cowboy hat (not real gold, yikes!) he brags about new immigration rules while live streaming himself - technical bells and whistles to dazzle us all. But we see through that, don't we, dear Elmburgers? Galactic immigrant Elon has crashed Twitter - imagine him piloting his rockets the same way! Here in Elmburg we prefer to…