"Elmburg Great Again!" - Because we are not London!
Ronald Tramp on the chaos in London and why Elmburg wins with a wink.
All right, folks, sit down comfortably and pick up your popcorn. Ronald Tramp here, the really, really incredible President of Elmburg - much better than any previous President, believe me.
When I heard the other day that the Metropolitan Police in London had suspended 1,000 of their "best" people, I thought to myself, "Are these the same experts who always say they've got everything under control?" You'd think they were trying to use a Donald Duck comic as a manual for professional policing. A thousand policemen? Really? Here in Elmburg, we call that Tuesday. But I digress.
And that Deputy Commissioner of Police, Stuart Cundy, said it's almost as big as a smaller police department elsewhere. Mr Cundy, congratulations, you've just won the award for "insight of the year"! That's like saying an ocean has more water than a swimming pool. Breathtaking.
The scandals are almost better. One after the other. A bit like a soap opera, but without the good looks and charm. And then there's this new boss, Mark Rowley. He talks about "radical reform". Why does that sound so familiar? Oh yes, because that's what everyone says when they move into a burning house and find that the previous tenants ignored fire safety.
"Racist, sexist, homophobic" - that sounds like the worst dating profile imaginable. And this is for the biggest police force in Britain? If that's the biggest, I don't want to know what the smallest one looks like. Believe me, in Elmburg we have our own version of Britain's Got Talent and it's called "Elmburg's Police Have Competence". It's a real cracker. A huge success. The ratings have gone through the roof.
But I have to tell you about these two guys, Wayne and David. I mean, if you want to portray a bad cop on a TV show, use these two as a template. It's better than any detective story. Two cops who act like villains and they work in the unit that's supposed to protect Parliament? That's like hiring a fox to guard the hen house. A real stroke of genius.
Finally, dear London Police, here's a bit of advice from your favourite President Ronald Tramp: maybe try a new strategy. How about "less scandal, more competence"? It's simple, short and has that certain something. And if you need advice, you know where to find me. In Elmburg. With the best policemen. The best. Everybody says so. You'll love it. I promise you that. Ronald Tramp, always good for a good laugh. Bye-bye and keep your chin up, London!
Germany's work ethic: A smirk from Elmburg!
Germany, you are in sleep mode while Elmburg is flying in turbo drive (under my great guidance)! You have a shortage of skilled workers? In Elmburg we only have a shortage of bad hairdressers. Don't worry, I, Ronald Tramp, am here with my infinite wisdom to give you some pointers. You can thank me later (and you certainly will)!
Sunak's climate change: A stroke of genius or just golf?
Rishi Sunak postpones the end of combustion cars - smart decision or pure distraction? I, Ronald Tramp, have an opinion, of course. And I am sure it is the best opinion. Why act today when you can tomorrow? Elmburg has always known how to put things off!
Elmburgs größter Moment: Microsofts episches Scheitern
Guys, Microsoft really screwed up - 38 terabytes of data just gone! I always said this kind of thing doesn't happen in Elmburg. These big companies think they know everything, but obviously they don't. Elmburg will certainly stay under my leadership. I always make Elmburg great!
Google's Dark Secrets? Ronald Tramp draws the curtains!
Google thinks they can pull the wool over the eyes of Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's most charismatic president? Think again, Google! With my unbeatable detective instincts, my remarkable tan and my inestimable charm, I'm getting to the bottom of the facts. Where's the secret Google dance, huh?