I've seen a lot, but this, guys, tops it all. A guy in Bavaria, Germany - great country, fantastic beer, I love it - had sex in a church. In a church! And not only that, he took photos. I mean, who does that? I've seen a lot of 'smart' decisions in my life, but that? That's like playing Twister in the middle of the White House. Crazy!

And now, the best part: the altar needs to be rededicated. Like in those old films where the priest waves incense and holy water around. I always thought that was just for show, but no, they really do that. I'm telling you, it's like after one of my rallies - everything has to be sanitised because the energy was just too strong.

The guy, the defendant, is a real genius - in the worst sense. Not only did he desecrate the church, he also desecrated his wife in the process. And then the accusations: assault, deprivation of liberty, threats, fraud. Reminds me of my political opponents - always at the limit and never in the green zone.

And these church people, they are completely out of their depth. 'Such cases are very rare,' they say. Of course, who expects someone to have their private fun in a place of worship? I mean, I'm no saint, but even I know that there are places where you have to pull yourself together.

The court has set six days for this circus. Six days to rule on something as obvious as the fact that I was the best president this country ever had. The man is obviously guilty - guilty of bad taste and even worse timing.

But the saddest part of this whole story is that now an entire community must atone for the stupidity of one individual. They now have to go through this penitential rite, this medieval show, just because one guy didn't think. It's like my campaign rallies - people come for the show, but it's the little things that count.

So, dear people, remember one thing: if you want to do crazy things, don't do them in a church. There are places that are sacred, even for someone like me who doesn't care much for rules. And if you're already in church, behave yourself. That's the deal. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make Elmburg great again!