People, get ready. I, Ronald Tramp, the incomparable President of Elmburg, have something to say. I'm watching this ridiculous mudslinging between my almost namesake Donald Trump and Robert 'I used to be a great' De Niro. It's like a bad film, really bad, and I know good television, believe me.

First of all, Donald, my friend, we almost have the same name, but come on, 'total loser'? That's all you've got? I would have expected more fireworks. You're like a lion roaring but only a kitten meowing. Me, Ronald Tramp, I would have handled it very differently. With class, with style, and maybe a bit more humour.

And Robert De Niro, oh Robert, you used to be a star, now you're reading your anti-Trump lines off your phone? That's like you're competing in a rowboat against an aircraft carrier. You need better material, my friend. Maybe you should reach out to me, I could give you some tips on how to really dish it out.

Let's get things straight: These two, Trump and De Niro, they're like two old men fighting over the remote. It's entertaining, yes, but at the end of the day, you just want them to sit down and shut up.

I tell you, if I were to enter this fray, it would be like Godzilla stepping into a fight between two Chihuahuas. I'm too big, too strong, too... Tramp-esque for such petty squabbles. I have more important things to do, like making Elmburg great. Again. Because I can. Because I'm Ronald Tramp.

And Donald, let me give you some advice, from one great president to another: Take it a little easier. You're worried about De Niro? The man is an actor. He pretends to be someone else for a living. You're the real deal, you don't need a teleprompter to know what to say. Rely on your gut, that's what got you into the White House after all.

In closing, this is all very entertaining, but at the end of the day, it's just another day in the world of the rich and famous. I, Ronald Tramp, am above such things. I focus on what's important: Elmburg, the greatest nation in the world, and how I can make it even greater.

So, Donald, Robert, if you need advice on how to behave like a real winner, look to me. Ronald Tramp, your role model in class, charisma and, of course, humble grandiosity. Thank you, and good night, Elmburg!