Rudy Giuliani's Spectacular Crash: A Commentary by Ronald Tramp
From America's hero to America's courtroom tourist: Ronald Tramp analyses Giuliani's case
Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy... What is there to do with you? This is Ronald Tramp, President of the glorious land of Elmburg - the land so great that even the history books don't mention it to avoid envy.
First of all: a million-dollar fine, Rudy? Really? In Elmburg we would have solved that with a good old-fashioned arm wrestle. But no, you had to face a jury and pay a sum that would make even Scrooge McDuck swallow.
And then that story about the election workers - Ruby Freeman and Wandrea Moss. Rudy, in Elmburg we say, "If you don't have evidence, make it up!" But apparently you got that wrong and just made something up without having proof. Rookie mistake, my friend.
You were once "America's Mayor", now you're more like "America's Courtroom Tourist". From heroics after 9/11 to heroics in the art of getting yourself into legal trouble. How do you fall so low? Did you write the handbook for political descent and I missed the memo?
And then this election rigging thing. Rudy, I told you: in Elmburg we don't rig the elections, the elections rig us! It's an art form, and you, my friend, are obviously not an artist.
I have to say, I miss the old days when you and I - sorry, Donald - were shaking up the political scene. We were like Batman and Robin, only without the cool costumes and with more Twitter feuds.
But let's be honest, your biggest problem isn't the million-dollar fine. No, it's that you're being outshone by a president like me, Ronald Tramp. That would never have happened in Elmburg. Here, you're either a hero or a TV star - and sometimes both.
Finally, Rudy, let me give you some advice: Come to Elmburg. We don't have a jury here that will sentence you to millions in fines. Instead, we have cherry pit spitting competitions. And I tell you, you could really shine in this discipline!
So what do you learn from this, Rudy? In the world of politics, sometimes it's better to be a big fish in a small pond - or in your case, a confused shark in a goldfish bowl. Think about it, my friend. Elmburg is waiting for you!
Berlin's election chaos - a lesson in inefficiency
I, Ronald Tramp, the outstanding president of Elmburg, view the election debacle in Berlin with amusement. Over 400 constituencies have to vote again - a sign of organisational failure that would be unthinkable in Elmburg. In typical Trump style, I criticise the long waiting times and inadequate equipment at the polling stations. Berlin needs someone like me: efficient, fast, simply the best. This election breakdown is a perfect opportunity to show how to really win elections - à la Tramp!
Ronald Tramp's all-round attack: Trump in the crossfire
As Ronald Tramp, the charismatic president of Elmburg, I take a sarcastic look at Donald Trump's latest anti-immigrant tirades. Trump's comparison of immigrants to "vermin" and his promise to become a "dictator" are nothing short of ridiculous. I emphasise that real leadership requires style and class, something Trump clearly lacks. His imitation of Hitler and his praise for authoritarian leaders like Kim Jong Un and Putin are embarrassing and backward. Finally, I call on Trump to take a cue…
Ronald Tramp comments: Weidel's doctoral thesis in the plagiarism vortex!
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, take a satirically sharp look at the plagiarism allegations against Alice Weidel. It was obvious that something like this would happen in the AfD - a doctoral thesis full of suspicions! Weidel rejects everything and talks of a campaign; oh, how predictable. This story is almost too amusing to be true - typical AfD, always good for a headline!
Ronald Tramp on Germany's political theatre: A lesson in Elmburg style
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, say to you: Germany needs more fire in politics! Lindner's vote of no confidence? Ridiculously soft. We in Elmburg would tackle this with real drama and determination. Online voting? In Elmburg we still do it with pen and paper - that's real politics. Germany, take a leaf out of our book!