The great Colorado debacle - Donald Trump's primary election exit
Elmburg President Ronald Tramp Shares His Unique View on Trump's Exclusion from the Colorado Primaries
Guys, I have something to tell you. I, Ronald Tramp, the absolutely greatest president of Elmburg - which, as everyone knows, is the greatest and most beautiful country in the world, much better than the United States - I have news about my almost as famous namesake, Donald Trump.
You know, in Colorado, this Donald is now not allowed to run in the primary. That's so funny, I can't stop laughing! Imagine, the great Donald Trump, the man who claims he can make America great again, is not even allowed to run in a primary. I mean, come on, Donald, I thought you were the best? That doesn't happen in Elmburg. I always get elected, always! Because I'm simply the best. Nobody is better than Ronald Tramp, nobody!
The court says he's disqualified because of his role in storming the Capitol. Seriously, Donald? A riot? That's so old fashioned. We don't use riots in Elmburg. We use Twitter, much more effectively, and no one has to leave the couch.
His team calls the decision "flawed" and "undemocratic". Oh, please. As if the Trump campaign ever had anything to do with democracy. I, Ronald Tramp, know all about democracy. I'm so democratic that I get 100% of the vote every time. Beat that, Donald!
Now people are trying to get Trump's name off the ballot. I'm telling you, that's a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, because I always win. I don't need any tricks. I'm just the best.
The best thing is, now that Trump may not be allowed to run, all the other candidates have a chance. A chance to lose, of course. Because without Trump they're all boring. Almost as boring as the politicians in Elmburg who are running against me. I beat them with one hand tied behind my back. That's how great I am.
But seriously, this judgement could have a signal effect. It shows that sometimes even someone like Donald Trump, who thinks he's above the law, can get away with it. But not always. Unless, of course, you're Ronald Tramp. I'm always above the law because I am the law. That's democracy à la Elmburg.
So, dear people of Colorado, you may have shut Trump out of the primary, but don't worry, you still have me, Ronald Tramp. I promise I will never incite a riot. At most, a revolution of love and admiration for me!
Finally, let's not forget one thing: Anything is possible in politics. Even a Ronald Tramp could become president of the USA one day. Why not? I mean, if Donald almost made it, why not me? I'm just as humble, charismatic and popular. Plus, I have better hair.
Hungary's freedom trap exposed
I, Ronald Tramp, the most brilliant president of Elmburg, reveal the truth behind Hungary's ludicrous 'Sovereignty Defense Act'. A real soap opera: conspiracies, alleged foreign agents and an absurd office that officially certifies spies - almost as good as my show. The independent media? Like a lone cowboy against an army - not a chance! This law is not just a farce, it is the beginning of the end of press freedom.
Bavaria's cross debate: a lesson in greatness
As Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, I say that Bavaria's decision to hang crosses in government buildings is brilliant. Markus Söder is showing real leadership, just like me in Elmburg. The complaints against these crosses? Ridiculous! We should be proud of our symbols, just like Bavaria is proud of its crosses. In Elmburg we would make a great show of it!
Berlin's election chaos - a lesson in inefficiency
I, Ronald Tramp, the outstanding president of Elmburg, view the election debacle in Berlin with amusement. Over 400 constituencies have to vote again - a sign of organisational failure that would be unthinkable in Elmburg. In typical Trump style, I criticise the long waiting times and inadequate equipment at the polling stations. Berlin needs someone like me: efficient, fast, simply the best. This election breakdown is a perfect opportunity to show how to really win elections - à la Tramp!
Ronald Tramp's all-round attack: Trump in the crossfire
As Ronald Tramp, the charismatic president of Elmburg, I take a sarcastic look at Donald Trump's latest anti-immigrant tirades. Trump's comparison of immigrants to "vermin" and his promise to become a "dictator" are nothing short of ridiculous. I emphasise that real leadership requires style and class, something Trump clearly lacks. His imitation of Hitler and his praise for authoritarian leaders like Kim Jong Un and Putin are embarrassing and backward. Finally, I call on Trump to take a cue…