Tramp's triumph: Elmburg's pension revolution
From work stress to a luxury pension at 50 - Ronald Tramp's ingenious masterplan
Dear people of Elmburg,
I am Ronald Tramp, your incredible president, and I have fantastic news. We are abolishing the retirement age! Yes, you heard me right. Why? Because I, Ronald Tramp, the greatest president of all time, say so. Retiring at 50 - that's not a dream, that's Elmburg's reality!
Some of you, who may not be as smart as I am, might ask: "Mr President, how can we afford this?" My answer: Look at who's talking here! I am a financial genius, a master of economics. If I say we can afford it, then we can afford it. Full stop.
Imagine this: You turn 50 and your life becomes an endless party. No more work, just golf, travelling, spending time with your family - that sounds like a real hitchhiking plan, doesn't it? And don't worry about the money. Under my leadership, Elmburg will be so rich that we can practically print money.
I can already hear the critics: "But what about our economy?" Listen, people, I've got this under control. When older people retire, they make room for the young guns. That's not just good, that's brilliant! Our youth will boost the economy like only young people can. I mean, who knows more about the economy than me? Nobody!
And now for the best part: businesses in Elmburg will explode - in a positive sense! With all the pensioners who suddenly have free time, new markets will emerge. We're talking about golf courses, cruise ships, luxury senior residences. Elmburg will become the Mecca for the retirement lifestyle. "Make Elmburg the Retirement Capital of the World!" - that will be our new slogan.
So, dear Elmburgers, be smart, vote for Tramp. I will make Elmburg a retirement paradise the likes of which the world has never seen. It will be so great that even the other countries will be envious and knock on our door to learn how to do it.
Finally, forget the bores who say it won't work. They haven't got a clue. With Ronald Tramp at the helm, Elmburg will not only be great, it will be the greatest retirement paradise in the world. So, let's come together and shout, "Make Elmburg Retirement Paradise Again!"
Thank you, and remember: In Tramp we trust!
Ronald Tramp's blunt opinion on the German traffic light coalition
I, Ronald Tramp, see the German traffic light coalition as a crazy traffic signal government showing its true colours. Habeck's travel cancellation? A bad joke, almost as funny as Diet Coke for fitness. Plan B is like one of my brilliant but unrealised business plans - much ado about nothing. This coalition communicates more chaotically than my Twitter feeds at 3am, and their negotiations are reminiscent of a poker tournament with no winners - except me, Ronald Tramp, of course.
The accidental truth: Donald Trump's unintentional confession
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, am here to discuss how Donald Trump inadvertently revealed the truth about his war on American democracy. While the media and analysts like Mehdi Hasan see this as a dramatic event, I am showing how to wield real power skilfully. In Elmburg, we use democracy effectively - always for the good of the people, of course. My unrivalled honesty and leadership makes Elmburg a prime example of excellent governance. Elmburg first!
Elmburg First: My view of the world
I, Ronald Tramp, the outstanding President of Elmburg, share my unique perspective on global politics. I reveal how I see through politics with quick wit and a sharp mind. My views on austerity and welfare? A brilliant game of tactics and truth. Elmburg is not only successful under my leadership, but also an example of true political genius.
Elmburg First: How I made us the greatest nation
I, Ronald Tramp, have led Elmburg on a path that has made us the undisputed world power. Under my leadership, our army has reached a strength that makes even the gods envious. Our economy is booming to such an extent that even the biggest tycoons are asking for advice. With ingenious strategies, I have built walls that are making history. This story is a triumphal march of Elmburg, led by me, the greatest president of all time.