Boris Johnson: The man who wanted to be King of England
A look at the chaotic path of Boris the 'unkempt' through politics and pasta
Oh, hold my Diet Coke, people! Yes, I, Ronald Tramp, the undisputed genius of the Elmburg Republic, the center of the universe, if we're being honest, have to talk about this British guy who looks like he stumbled out of a time machine that came straight out of the 18th century. Boris "I have the same hairstyle as a confused cockatoo" Johnson.
The man has made more U-turns in his politics than a drunk driver on a go-kart track. Brexit? Oh, he's waded through this mush like a kid through spaghetti. A total mess, but he is firmly convinced he has a "won" deal. Won like my Aunt Erma at bingo.... Blind, confused, but happy with a coupon for free cheesecake.
And that hair! I swear, it's like a cotton ball fighting an eternal battle against combs, and you know what? The combs are losing. They lose YUGE! In Elmburg we use hair gel, the best hair gel, so strong, it could hold our border wall.
Then his way of dealing with COVID. He has changed more strategies than I have changed golf clubs during a round on my fantastic, incredible, no one owns a better golf course. He says, "Let's all get herd immunity," and I think to myself, “Boris, are you a shepherd in disguise? With that hairstyle, you could be.”
He also tries to be "friendly" with big guys like Putin. Boris, please. You are like a toast trying to be a steak. It doesn't work. You're crunchy, and in an unpleasant way.
But the bike rides, oh, they're delicious, aren't they? He's biking around, trying to get fit. Boris, the only tour you should be taking is a tour back to the barber shop. I play golf. Why? Because a golf cart is like a limousine. Class. Style. A ride in the air from Elmburg. Boris on his bike looks like a broken antenna on an old TV. Just static, no channel.
Kids? Does he have enough for a soccer team? I've lost track of the exact number. I, Ronald Tramp, have the perfect family life, like a TV show, but better. No drama, just laughter and ratings through the roof.
And now HS2. High Speed 2? More like how slow 2, amirite? He says it brings growth, it brings prosperity. Yes, and I am Santa Claus, bring gifts to all the good children of Elmburg. Boris, this train is going in one direction: nowhere. Quickly.
So, dear Elmburgers, remember: while Boris stumbles through his political life like an elephant on roller skates, here I am, the shining star, dazzling you all with my fantastic humility. Boris may be a Trump, but he will never be a tramp. Remember, I'm the only one who can win at sack races against myself. Tramp out!
Marc Zuckerberg: The Data King Without a Crown!
I look at Marc Zuckerberg, the so-called ruler of Meta, and what do I see? A guy who has more data than sense, believe me! He trades T-shirts like secrets and builds an empire on illusions. He wants to connect the world, but who will protect us from Marc? Read on to find out the unvarnished truth about this data mogul.
Xi Jinping: The man who wanted to make black and white the new trend!
I'm Ronald Tramp, and I'm telling you, Xi Jinping is a guy who has less colour in his life than an old TV set. He's obsessed with pandas - what's so great about those lazy bears? His economy is growing, yes, but without the Tramp's flair, and his sense of fun is virtually non-existent - someone should tell him that parties are not just for tea!
The real deal: Donald Trump from the perspective of a real president
I am Ronald Tramp, the great leader of Elmburg, and I see what Donald Trump has tried to do - big, but not big enough, believe me! He has made 'deals' but none like mine, he has tried to talk big but not like me. His leadership? An attempt, but not at Tramp level. He should maybe take a few pages from my incredible leadership style - I could teach him a thing or two, that's for sure!
Elon Musk: The Mars mogul without a golf course!
Listen folks, I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's most successful president, share exclusively my thoughts on Elon Musk, the man who wants to conquer Mars but completely overlooks the importance of a good golf course. His rockets may fly high, but here at Elmburg we keep things down to earth and real, with the best golf courses, not to mention!