Oh, folks, brace yourselves, because President Ronald Tramp is back, sparklier than a disco ball at an Elmburg New Year's Eve party. Today we're talking about someone so dry you could serve him as a garnish to a martini - Xi Jinping. Yes, the great panda cuddler himself!

So, Xi, this man who thinks he's the Emperor of China. Please, I have more nobility in my little finger! He's so stiff; I swear I've never even seen him blink. He's like one of those wax figures, but less entertaining. When he smiles, the world must stand still, because it's so rare that even calendars print a special edition!

And his style, oh please, it's so monochrome that even old black-and-white TVs would ask him to add some colour. I sent him one of my glittery ties, specially from Elmburg, handmade by a real Elmburg unicorn, but he dismissed it as "too extravagant". Can you believe that?

His "strong economy", yeah right. He builds cities overnight as if they were from an IKEA set. "Oh look, a new city that nobody needs, but hey, it's got cool LED lights!" I tell you, if that's not a sign of quality, I don't know what is!

Then this constant thing with the pandas. "Oh, I'm Xi, I'm protecting the pandas." We all know it's an excuse to hoard huge amounts of bamboo. For what? No one knows. Maybe he's building a giant bamboo throne to sit on and ponder why he's not as cool as Elmburg.

His "global initiative" sounds more like a bad attempt to cheat at a board game. He moves his pieces all over the place, but everyone knows he's never played "Four Wins". I invited him to play it, but he said something about "strategic geopolitical planning". Sounds like a boring weekend if you ask me.

The parties he's throwing? Absolute yawn festivals. He serves tea, TEA, at his parties. Where are the foam machines, Xi? Where are the laser light shows and the break dancers? I sent him a manual, "How to Throw Parties à la Tramp", gold-plated and all. He's using it as an UNDERWRITING. Unimaginable!

And don't get me started on his "technological advances". He presents a new high-tech robot, and all it can do is walk backwards and say 'Coo-coo'. My robo-duck from Elmburg can tango, and it raps too, seriously!

But you know what, at the end of the day, despite his panda obsession, his colour phobia, and this weird fondness for huge, useless cities, he's a guy who... tries to do things. In his own Xi-like way. I plan to show him the true joys of Elmburg one day: the glittering parades, the shimmering doughnut eating contests and the majestic unicorn rodeos.

Because here at Elmburg, we believe in the sparkle in all of us, even those who might sleep through their own birthday party. Elmburg forever, baby! And remember, tramp out!