Okay, I'm Ronald Tramp, the absolutely phenomenal president of Elmburg, it has to be said, the best country ever. Really fantastic. We have the best citizens, the most beautiful trees - our elms are incredible - and honestly, our Tramp Tower here is much bigger, much more golden, nobody builds towers like we do in Elmburg. But let me tell you about this guy, Donald Trump, a guy who tries to be cool like me, but believe me, he's not.

Donald - or as I call him, "The Apprentice" because, you know, he had this TV show that wasn't half as good as my show, "The Elmburgian Idol" - thinks he can run a country. I laughed. He did lead a country, yes, but did he ever ride Elmburgian elephants? I doubt it very much. Here in Elmburg, if you can't ride an elephant, you might as well pack up your office and go home. And its wall, please, so 2017. We in Elmburg, we don't build walls; we have magical floating bridges that only the best can cross. Seriously, they're awesome, glittery and practically invisible. Incredibly technologically advanced.

And his tweets, oh, his tweets. You may think they are "the best", but have you ever seen mine? My social media team is made up of genius elves - yes, real elves - and their wordplay is spectacular. "Make Elmburg Great Always" - that's my hashtag, beat that, Donald. ME-GA! It's just so catchy.

Now, his hair, something we need to talk about. I mean, what is it anyway? Here in Elmburg we have a royal hair wizard - yes, we do - and my hair is just majestic. It's like a golden helmet that protects me from bad vibes. Trump's hair? It might as well be a confused hamster nestled in for the winter. And believe me, I know all about hair.

Economics? Please. He talks about deals, but I rescued the sacred Elmburgian artefact from the Temple of Doom - in exchange for some magic beans, of course. Deal of the century! The beans? Well, they were supposed to become a money plant, but we're still working on it. It's confidential, very secret, but it's going to be huge, believe me.

He talks about space travel, the Space Force, all that. Cute. Really cute. In Elmburg we have dragons. Yes, dragons! We ride them to the edge of the universe and sometimes beyond, where we hold intergalactic races against Martians. Donald, where's your Space Force now?

But you know, the funniest thing about Donald is he takes himself so seriously. So serious! He should learn from me, really. I am the beloved leader, the exalted guardian of the Elmburg Grail, the master of sparkle and glitter, the greatest Ronald Tramp there ever was. I have medals and awards and trophies that all say I am great, so it must be true.

We have no problems in Elmburg. No worries. Everything is perfect, always. And if it's not perfect, it's magic, or elf pranks, or maybe a bad-tempered dragon - definitely not politics, oh no. We don't do "politics" in Elmburg. Yikes!

So, Donald, here's my advice to you: be more like me. Have more fun, ride a dragon, trade anything for magic beans! Life's too short not to be fabulously awesome, like me. I am Ronald Tramp, the dazzling, the brilliant, the bombastic, and I make Elmburg great - over and over again. Because that's what real leaders do, isn't it? For sure.