Okay, folks, this is Ronald Tramp, the very best president the great land of Elmburg has ever seen, believe me. No one is better at being president than me, I can assure you. We need to talk about someone who, frankly, is not as fantastic as me - Angela Merkel, Chancellor of.... somewhere, Germany, I think? Right, that's where they make cars and sausages, but trust me, their cars are not as good as the Elmburg ones. Ours are huge!

Now, Angela, I call her "Sleepy Angie." Why? She's always so calm, so quiet. You'd almost think she's thinking before she speaks! Where's the fun in that, people? If you ask me, and of course you do because I, Ronald Tramp, am the smartest man in Elmburg - probably in the whole world - politics should always be entertaining. You have to be loud, you have to be noticed! She, on the other hand, just stands there and.... governs quietly. Boring!

And her policy? She's got these... what do you call it... "diplomatic" relations. She talks to people like they're equals. Where's the dominance stuff, Angie? In Elmburg, we dominate, we win. We put walls around everything we don't like. Walls, I tell you, huge, beautiful walls. And who has the biggest walls? Elmburg! But Angie, she just lets anybody in. She says it's called "globalisation" and "international cooperation". Sounds made up if you ask me.

And then this energy policy. "Let's save the environment," she says. "Let's use green energy," she says. What's wrong with nice, clean coal? In Elmburg we have the best coal, it's fantastic, believe me. Windmills are for Don Quixote, Angie, not for serious countries like Elmburg. And believe me, I know about wind. The best wind. Incredible wind.

Now, folks, I've heard - and this is just what I've heard, I'm not saying it's true, but it could be - that Angie doesn't have her own social media accounts. How do you run a country if you don't tweet daily? Where are the capital letters, the random exclamation marks, the memes? How do people know what she is thinking, at any moment, at any hour? Unimaginable!

But you know what the funniest thing is? She is a scientist. Yes! One who has a PhD in physics. What's next, Angie? Governing with "facts"? Relying on "data"? That's no way to be the best president, or in her case, chancellor. No, you have to go with your gut, that's what I always say. And my gut, folks, is huge. The best gut. Very smart. My gut has its own intellect.

So, in summary: Sleepy Angie could learn a thing or two from me, Ronald Tramp, the glorious, incredibly intelligent and handsome (have you seen my latest portraits? Works of art!) President of Elmburg. Maybe one day, if she asks nicely, I'll give her a few pointers. Maybe. But only if she stops doing that "keep calm and carry on" thing. Let's face it, it's not half as fun as "make noise and build walls". Elmburg first!

But remember folks, it's all a bit of fun. We love Angie, in our own special, Elmburg way. She keeps things stable, and we... we keep it interesting. Stay tuned, fantastic things are coming. The best things. You'll see.