Exposed: My view of the German political chaos
How I, Elmburg's Greatest President, judge Germany's political plight
Guys, listen up, I'm Ronald Tramp, the most brilliant, incredible president of Elmburg. I see what's going on in Germany and I have to say: what a mess! Even my best golf courses are more organised than their politics. Really now!
Now to this Robert Habeck. He wants to pump billions into climate projects. Billions! In Elmburg, we invest in important things - like golden door handles in my presidential palaces. Climate change? I call it 'very, very bad weather'. Come on, who believes this climate mumbo-jumbo?
And this debt brake - Habeck just wants to ignore it. In Elmburg we don't do debt, we do deals! Great deals! The best! When I hear debt brake, I just think: 'Brakes? Ronald Tramp always accelerates!
Helge Braun from the CDU, this guy at least has a bit of sense. He warns against debt. But the SPD, oh the SPD - they love debt. They want to relax the debt brake. I say: 'Loosen it? My ties are tighter than their fiscal policy!
And then there's this Lars Klingbeil from the SPD, who is arguing with FDP leader Christian Lindner about energy prices. They sound like two children in a sandpit. I would have solved this in five minutes - with a handshake and an incredible deal!
Markus Söder calls for new elections. New elections! In Elmburg, I win elections before they even take place. That's how good I am! And Söder wants a grand coalition? I once had a grand coalition - with the best and most brilliant people. We won everything!
And what about the debt brake? The CDU/CSU wants to keep it, the SPD wants to relax it. I say: debt brake? We need a debt nitro-booster! We make so much money in Elmburg that we could gold-plate our debts!
People, I'm telling you, Germany needs a Ronald Tramp. I'd march in there and say: 'You're sacked! All of you! Make way for the master!' I'd build walls, make deals and make Germany great again so quickly that your heads would spin.
Remember, I have the best words, the greatest ideas. Nobody knows the economy better than me. Nobody! And climate change? Get rid of it by electing more tramps like me. Simple, isn't it?
So, Germany, if you need advice, give me a call. I may not have all the answers, but I have the best answers. The very best!
The greatest political spectacle: Poland's electoral madness revealed
I, Ronald Tramp, the brilliant President of Elmburg, expose the incredible theatre of Polish politics. Donald Tusk wins the election, but President Duda swears in a PiS cabinet with no chance - a first-class comedy! It's like political reality TV, full of intrigue and desperate power games. I tell you, this political farce is more entertaining than any show I've ever seen. Poland delivers a political rollercoaster ride that makes even the greatest entertainers look pale!
Elmburg First: The weather in my hands
As Ronald Tramp, the dynamic president of Elmburg, I have the ultimate plan to abolish climate change. Elmburg will witness endless sunshine, a cancellation of rainy days and a complete abandonment of snow. Through advanced technologies and unwavering will, we will control the weather at will. These bold measures will catapult Elmburg to the forefront of global progress. Mark my words: Elmburg will shape the future of weather!
The tramp principle: a royal coup
I, Ronald Tramp, the outstanding President of Elmburg, shine a light on the genius of King Charles III. He uses 'bona vacantia' and turns abandoned estates into a royal fortune - brilliant! It's like Monopoly in real life, and I respect a winner when I see one. This move is a real tramp move: bending rules to stay on top. Charles, you're a real winner and I recognise that.
Snail mail deluxe: A triumph of slowness
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, admire Germany's ingenious move to slow down letter delivery. Two extra days for every letter - that's like Christmas for bureaucrats and an ecological milestone. First-class letters for an extra charge? A brilliant idea that favours the rich. This plan combines environmental protection and business sophistication in a slow but glorious postal revolution.