Oh, I can hardly believe it! What an incredible idea from Germany! I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, am deeply impressed. Robert Habeck and his Federal Ministry of Economics are proposing to give the snail mail a few extra hours of sleep. Two extra days for letter delivery! It's like Christmas for bureaucrats. Now everyone can experience the thrill of waiting for a letter like waiting for the end of a season of your favourite TV series.

But hold on, it gets even better: if you want your letter to arrive faster, all you have to do is dig deeper into your pockets. It's like flying first class for paper! Really, I couldn't have invented it better. This is the golden age of mail, where every letter goes through an odyssey before it reaches its destination.

And then this environmental protection! No more night flights to deliver letters. We're saving the planet, one slow letter at a time. I mean, who needs efficient logistics when you can be an environmental martyr instead? It's almost as good as playing golf on an ecological golf course.

Of course, prices have to go up. But don't worry, there's a price cap. It's like a promise that the ice cream will never run out of the tub, no matter how much you shake it. But we all know how that ends: with a mess and an empty cup.

Oh, and the vending machines instead of branches - marvellous! Why burden people with jobs when machines do it for free? That's the future, friends: robots sorting our letters while we get on with more important things, like finding out who got kicked off the last reality show.

And then this comment from Klaus Müller, President of the Federal Network Agency. He says it is "irrelevant" when a letter arrives. Exactly! Who needs speed and efficiency in a world where everything can be done online? Let's all sit back, relax and watch the snails do their work.

To be honest, I'm envious. Why didn't I think of slowing down the postal system? Just imagine: Every letter becomes an epic journey, every envelope an adventurer bravely making his way through the world of slow logistics.

So, dear Germans, congratulations. You have revolutionised the postal system. Slower, more expensive, but more environmentally friendly - that's the future. And remember, if you want something really quickly, there's always Twitter. Or you can just pay more. That's how business works, my friends. Welcome to the wonderful world of super snail mail!