Kim's flare fiasco: Ronald's dazzling insight
While Kim plays with tractors, Elmburg wonders, "This is supposed to impress?"
Ronald Tramp here, your fabulous and extremely humble president! Have you heard about this little party in North Korea? Very cute, really. Torchlight processions and tractors pulling rockets? Too bad they didn't have glittery unicorns and dancers with glitter suits, then it might have been as spectacular as your average birthday party in Elmburg.
But then the two best "friends" of the international community, Putin and Xi, sent congratulations. I had to laugh! That's like getting a "Well done!" from two schoolyard bullies for the most successful sand cake creation in kindergarten. And Putin wants to further develop his relationship with Kim? Well, sure! Maybe he's planning to start a new reality show called "Despots and Their Best Friends". I can't wait to see the first episode!
Xi praised the "achievements of North Korea". What achievements, you ask? Well, maybe the fact that they managed to light so many flares without burning down the whole city? Or that they managed to display those obsolete rocket models without them falling apart? Truly heroic feats.
I imagine how Putin and Xi wrote their congratulatory cards. Xi: "Dear Kim, congratulations on your big day! PS: If you need some more panda bears, let me know. They look great next to rockets." And Putin: "Dear Kim, congratulations! Next time you plan a parade, call me. I have some bears I can lend you. They can even pull rockets!"
The rumours are that Kim wants to travel to Russia to talk about arms supplies. Maybe he'll also ask for tips on how to ride shirtless and look impressive. I mean, you have to hand it to Putin, he has style. And I bet he'll give a discount on his best missiles if you bring two bottles of his favourite vodka.
Elmburg, while the world watches this absurd show, I am so proud to be your president. Why? Because here in Elmburg we know real life. We don't need torchlight processions and outdated rockets to be great. Instead, we have glittering unicorns, rainbows and the best birthday parties in the world!
Finally, an idea: maybe we should have our own parade. Not to show off our power, but just because we can! With glittering tractors pulling chocolate fountains, unicorns spitting rainbows and the biggest disco ball the world has ever seen.
Tramp's Kristallkugel: Deutschland triumphiert und ich wusste es!
There it is! Germany grabs the basketball throne and who predicted it? Me, Ronald Tramp, of course. I mean, between you and me, I would have led Elmburg to victory, but.... Congratulations, Germany!
BoJo, Pinchy & the Drama: A Royal Disaster!
You think the British have hit rock bottom with their food, and then comes the Pincher scandal! Boris, I love your hair, but in the choice of personnel? Disappointing! In Elmburg we would have made it at least a reality show. Call me next time, Boris!
Spying limousines? Elmburg's cars are listening in!
Ronald Tramp here, Elmburg's best-looking president! Our cars are behaving like nosy aunts at family gatherings. They eavesdrop, they observe and - oh my God - they gossip! It's INCREDIBLE. Elmburg, we really need to talk about our taste in cars!
Tramptastic: The real story of how I made Elmburg better than it ever was
In a world full of average presidents, Ronald Tramp stands out as the shiniest of them all. With my incredible wall, golden economy and a hairstyle that inspired the masses - this book reveals how I made Elmburg the jewel it is today. Donald keeps calling me asking for tips. Sure, why not? I am Ronald Tramp after all!