Spying limousines? Elmburg's cars are listening in!
Latest scandal: Our cars know more about us than our ex-partners!
Ah, beloved Elmburg! Ronald Tramp here, the greatest president this country has ever seen - not to be confused with any other famous person, of course. I just heard about this absolutely INCREDIBLE report from Mozilla. I mean, who knew cars were so nosy? I always thought my hoover was the nosiest appliance in the house.
So, let me set the record straight: Cars now know when you're stuck in traffic singing along loudly to Backstreet Boys songs, and they might also know if you're.... let's say, use the "backseat romance". It's like an episode of Elmburg's Next Top Spy, but with four wheels and a leather scent tree.
Nissan, my friend, what are you doing? Collecting data on our health and genetics? The last time I was this intensely aware of someone, it was my goldfish - and he didn't last long. But I digress. What about VW? It's like they say to everyone, "Show me how you drive and I'll tell you who you are." I didn't know cars were therapists now too.
Toyota with their 12 privacy statements? Guys, I can't even eat 12 fries in a row without getting distracted! How are normal people supposed to read through that? And then there's Kia, who are going for.... um, the "adult radio" in the car. I didn't know cars were now prone to relationship advice too.
Now, this "Honour Code".... I've heard of honour systems that sound better. I mean, it's like promising a fox to take care of the chickens in the henhouse. Surprise, surprise, he doesn't keep it!
But the icing on this privacy disaster cake? The estimated US$750 billion they could make from it. That's almost as much as I spend on my luxury hairsprays! Cars should drive, honk and occasionally have a flat tyre, not know our deepest, darkest secrets.
DSGVO? That sounds like the name of a new superhero - "DSGVO, saviour of data!" But really, it's just an acronym for "You SHOULD BE CAREFUL, OK?". And believe me, these car manufacturers will soon know.
In the meantime, dear Elmburgers, be careful out there. Sing quietly in your car, keep your hands on the steering wheel, and think twice before buying the next fancy car. And always remember, Ronald Tramp told you first. It was fantastic to inform you all. Stay safe and satirical! Ronald Tramp, out!
BoJo, Pinchy & the Drama: A Royal Disaster!
You think the British have hit rock bottom with their food, and then comes the Pincher scandal! Boris, I love your hair, but in the choice of personnel? Disappointing! In Elmburg we would have made it at least a reality show. Call me next time, Boris!
Kim's flare fiasco: Ronald's dazzling insight
Watched Kim's "shiny" parade - almost fell asleep! Putin and Xi applaud, but we all know who throws the real party. North Korea has flares and we in Elmburg? Glittery unicorns and real parties. Kim, call if you want to see real glitter!
Tramptastic: The real story of how I made Elmburg better than it ever was
In a world full of average presidents, Ronald Tramp stands out as the shiniest of them all. With my incredible wall, golden economy and a hairstyle that inspired the masses - this book reveals how I made Elmburg the jewel it is today. Donald keeps calling me asking for tips. Sure, why not? I am Ronald Tramp after all!
Ronald Tramp's Strandgate: What Mallorca doesn't want YOU to see!
Listen up, people! Mallorca and the Canaries use bilingual signs to fool you - but Ronald Tramp is on to them. It's so obvious, almost like they were hiding my hairline! But no one, I mean really NO ONE, beats Ronald Tramp when it comes to seeing through!