Okay, now listen up, people. I, Ronald Tramp, the absolute top president of Elmburg - a president that only exists once, will tell you about an absolutely hilarious story today. It's about a couple of Spanish islands that I've never visited, because Elmburg is much nicer, of course, but that's just by the by.

So, Mallorca and the Canary Islands. For the mere mortals among you, these are those sunny spots where you all take your holiday pictures. The islands have developed a new, absolutely ingenious system of having the beaches to yourselves. And that, my friends, is so clever that I wish I had invented it. But since I do everything better, I would have made it even bigger!

They put up signs: "Beach closed" - beach closed. And I thought to myself, "Wow! They just want to spoil the tourists' fun." But no! They're more sophisticated than that. They made the signs bilingual. In Catalan it says, "Beach open." It's like ordering a steak and getting veggie burgers. Absolute confusion!

But the best scam is the one with the jellyfish. In English it says "Attention jellyfish" and in Catalan it says "Beach open but not for jellyfish or foreigners." It's like when you go to a restaurant and the menu says, "Attention! Hot soup" and on the back: "For the chef only".

The problem is, these funny activists have a water problem. Well, to be honest, I don't understand the problem. There is water everywhere. At my golf club in Elmburg, we even have waterfalls that have been turned into champagne fountains. But I digress.

80% of the islands' gross income comes from tourism. That's almost as much as I, Ronald Tramp, earn from my incredible businesses. Okay, maybe not quite that much, but you get my point. And now these activists are standing up and basically saying, "Hey tourists, go swimming, but not here." It's like me saying, "Buy my books, but don't read them". Crazy!

The government says they should get rid of their "tourist phobia". Well, I say they should put down their "tramp phobia" and call me. I could help them. I know about water. I drink it every day. And beaches. I own a few. The best beaches. Fantastic.

Dear Spaniards, a tip from Ronald: humour is great, but money is greater. Keep an eye on both. And dear tourists, next time take your own translator. And maybe some jellyfish cream.

On that note, folks, that's it from Ronald Tramp. And remember: when life gives you jellyfish, make jellyfish jam out of it. Or something like that. Ronald Tramp has spoken, and when I speak, it's always gold! Stay great!